Strictly Come Dancing tour: The judges are meaner than ever

Add to My Stories The crowd outside Sheffield Arena looks harmless enough at 7pm. Demure, even. A beautifully behaved snaking queue of white perms, specs, sensible shoes, neat handbags, M&S carriers and even the odd (very neatly turned out) man.
There is plenty of gentle chat about the weather and the current plot of The Archers and boiled sweets are passed around freely. No one seems remotely in danger of losing control.
But, barely an hour later, theyre going wild waving banners, screeching like schoolgirls, shouting, screaming, jumping out of their chairs and generally getting very hot and bothered.

Lift off: Ann Widdecombe and her nemesis, judge Craig Revel Horwood, are more Laurel and Hardy than Fred and GingerThis way, Matt! We want you Matt. MAAAATT!
Come on Jimi. Show us what youre made of!
Which is all rather surprising. Because were not here to see the latest boyband. Or even that nice Tom Jones, who has a knack of sending ladies of a certain age into a knicker-throwing lather.
No. Were here for day four of Strictly Come Dancing The Live Tour, which is currently sweeping across the UK in a haze of glitter, sequins, fake tan, bitchy comments and pantomime-levels of camp behaviour.
It goes without saying that tonights show is a sell-out, along with most of the other tour dates, because the Strictly phenomenon is extraordinary.

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The BBC1 programme, relaunched in 2004, is already (according to Guinness World Records) the worlds most successful realit! y televi sion show, the format having been sold to more than 38 countries around the world.
And now Strictly fans all around the country have the chance to see their spangly heroes cha-cha-cha-ing, tangoing and foxtrotting in the flesh.
While my 16-year-old cousin Hannah (Im much more into X Factor) and I are Strictly novices, the lady on our right thinks shes landed in heaven.
Sonia Prescott, 46, a counsellor, says: I am the biggest Strictly fan on the earth. I challenge you to find a more dedicated fan than me. Can you think of anything better than being able to come and re-live it all and live? And you know the best bit? Its just like the television programme.

Glamour: Patsy Kensit and dance partner Robin Windsor perform during the Strictly Tour dress rehearsal ahead of the gruelling 45-night tour

Marathon: Ricky Whittle and partner Natalie Lowe (left) and lovers Kara Tointon with Artem Chigvintev (right)
Shes not kidding. Its spookily similar. The Fearsome Threesome judges Len Goodman (the nice once) Bruno Tonioli (the camp one) and Craig Revel Horwood (the Simon Cowell of ballroom dancing) are all here.
And so are eight celebrities from various series of Strictly who battle it out every night (for a staggering 45 nights) to win a rather wobbly-looking replica of the much-coveted glitterball trophy. Tonights stars include Patsy Kensit (who looks smoking hot in sequins and gold tassels), Pamela Stephenson, Countryfiles Matt Baker (who wants to win so badly he looks deranged), athlete Colin Jackson and actors Jimi Mistry and Kara Tointon, who did what she calls the double last season winning the series and falling in love with her Russian dance pa! rtner Ar tem Chigvintsev.
There are even two huge screens to show flashbacks of the dancers rehearsals and their pained expressions in close up.

The innuendoes come thicker and faster, the dresses are spanglier, the hips are janglier and the fake tan is almost neonThe only missing link, in fact, are presenters Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly but Zoe Ball in their place more than makes up for them in a spangly backless gown and a litre or two of spray tan.
While its a slightly odd format for a live event, no one seems to care. Nor do they blink at the array of costly merchandise on sale and programmes costing 10. Everyone snaps one up.
And, amazingly, no one even bats an eyelid on discovering that tonights winner will be decided by the audience voting by text at a cost of 25p per text plus usual operator charges with 10p going to charity. If theyve got mobile phones, that is.
But forget all that.
What theyre really here for is the dancing, so when Len Goodman promises us, some thrills, some spills and some butt-clenching excitement, and a troupe of dancers burst on to the stage, the arena erupts.
While some celebrities are excellent Kara, Matt and Pamela (albeit in a sort of predatory auntie-at-a-wedding way) some arent.

Glitz: Tina O'Brien and partner Jared Murillo keep each other at arms lengthActor Jimi Mistry is shockingly stiff and Colin Jackson dances with his backside stuck out like a duck.
But even when theyre rubbish, no one seems to care. Or notice.
Everyone gets a standing ovation and a display of waving Fab-u-lous! banners.
Nice Len is just as excited as ever. Ooh, that was hot and that was raunchy your dumplings are boiling over, is his assessment of Matt Bakers very jiggly dance partner. Bruno is just as camp: Oh my God, that was sexy.
The only one who seems off his game is Craig Revel Horwood the Mr Nasty of ballroom, who once said Penny Lancaste! r looked like shes going to a swingers party.
He also compared actress Letitia Dean, to a fat porker, and told Kate Garraway she was: Terrible. Awful. No flair.
Tonight, the worst he comes up with is a rant about Colins bizarre bottom and a youve just proved that grannies can dance to Pamela.
And hes positively lovely about Patsy Kensit.
Theres vim, vigour its vivacious, vampy. All the Vs, but not vile, he says. Blimey.
Overall, everything seems bigger and better in the live touring show than on TV.
The innuendoes come thicker and faster, the dresses are spanglier, the hips are janglier and the fake tan has been taken to new and spectacular levels. Everyone is at least a basic orange, but some are actually neon.
Certainly, no one seems to have been put off by last years astronomical laundry bills when the tour hotels had to pay thousands of pounds to specialist cleaners to get all the fake tan and bronzing oil out of their delicate Egyptian cotton sheets.
As for the audience, what is it about Strictly that drives nice middle-class ladies (and the occasional man) into such a frenzy?

No one even bats an eyelid on discovering that tonights winner will be decided by the audience voting by text at a cost of 25p a time Its fabulous entertainment and the quality of the dancing, says Pamela, from Doncaster, who has made a five-hour round trip here today. And its great for my mother. Shes deaf, but theres still so much to see.
Paul, 58, from Sheffield, is one of the few men here tonight. Were a bit outnumbered, he says. But thats never a bad thing. And dont think for a second hes been dragged here, says his wife Claire. He bought the tickets. Twice, by accident. For tonight and tomorrow!
But the best is yet to come.
Because, deep in the second half, just when the ladies next to me didnt think it could get any better, theres a surprise.
Ann Widdecombe, the scourge of the judges in the last series, is actually here looking like an Indian squaw, with a lime green feather in ! her hair , a lime green frock and lime green lurex leggings.
And shes dancing with her nemesis, Craig Revel Horwood the man who called her a disaster and described her Titanic-themed routine last year as frigid and passionless, adding that, in fact, the iceberg showed more emotion.

Sizzling: Colin Jackson and partner Ola Jordan get to grips with each otherThe crowd go bonkers. Again. The lady behind us nearly takes off in excitement.
Not, presumably, in praise of Anns dancing, because she really is bad. But the cheers are because shes up for it and because the routine a combination of Laurel and Hardy and Fred without Ginger is brilliant fun.
A night at Strictly is rather surreal. Or, as cousin Hannah puts it, glancing round at all the blue rinses: Just how Id imagine a cruise would be.
Some bits are hilarious such as when Zoe grandly announces: The judges scores are now in, as if theyve been sent from the BBC headquarters by the highest of high-technology, even though she actually means the judges are ready to lift their wooden scoring paddles into the air.
Other bits just too cheesy for words for instance, when Len tells one couple they go together like gin and tonic.
But the astonishing thing is that, despite all that, it really is extraordinary fun.
And, by the end when a ridiculously pleased Matt and partner are awarded tonights trophy were both clapping and whooping and waving our banners with the rest of them. And discussing how badly we want to learn how to dance.

• For more information and tickets for the Strictly Live Tour, see www.strictlycomedancinglive.com