How Mary Gold's mum (90 and still kicking) has them all fighting over her estate

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Look at this picture. Sweet isnt it? All those wholesome children, brothers and sisters, Mummy and Daddy, affluent, well-fed, well-dressed, happy. Aah, bless em all, the long and the short and the tall. Then look at the little boy on the sofa in the middle, and the demonic expression on his face. His name is Andrew and he was plotting even then but more of him later. That was 1960. Fast forward to 2011 and dear old Dad is dead. He was a devilishly handsome chap, you can see that, and a war hero. I miss him a lot and I think he might just be doing the lambada in his grave at the way his family has turned out. Not that were losers or drug addicts or anything awful. We are all perfectly respectable, but its just there is a lot of unseemly bickering over Mothers will, and the shocker is that Mother is still alive. How awful is that?

Sibling rivalry: Mary Gold, top right, with Andrew and Michael (from left, standing) and Deidrie and Mary's parentsWere not Downton Abbey people. Theres no estate with 1,000 acres, but theres a large and valuable house and Im afraid Mothers will has become a weapon to beat the five children with. But not often ooh, no. She only changes it every three months. Mothers will is a bit like the hokey-cokey you put your daughter in, you take your daughter out, one sons annoyed me so Ill shake it all about.A harsh spotlight was thrown on the whole bang-shoot recently when Mother celebrated her 90th birthday. I confess I didnt want to go because some of my least favourite relatives would be there, but I went, smiled and looked at my relatives anew.

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The se are the simple facts: We are Deirdre, 62, Michael, 58, Andrew, 55, me, 51, and Anne, 49. We got on well as children, albeit vying for Mummys attention (although it was only ever Andrew who called her Mummy.) But in adult life things are different; some of us love each other, but some of us dont. Mother talks about death all the time, but I tell her not to worry because only the good die young. She has talked about her will for so long that it has become a family joke (dont worry Mother, well grease the stairs tonight, heh heh). The will has been changed so often that my sisters and I flit through according to the suitability of our boyfriends or husbands. Inheritance-wise, I have had more comebacks than Gary Glitter, and look what happened to him.

Family fortunes: Mary with a picture of her mother and father on their wedding dayYesterday, Mother rang me to say she was taking Andrew out of the will because he had borrowed her car and failed to return it.She takes Michael out of the will because he offers her unwelcome advice, such as: Dont lend Andrew your car, and she takes Dee out of the will because Dee has called Andrew and said he should give Mother back the car. By then it is Tuesday and Mother has forgiven Andrew, who has promised to buy a car of his own, and she resents her darling boy being criticised by Dee or Michael. Do try to keep up wont you? I wonder whether the reason Andrew keeps borrowing the car is because should anything happen to dear Mama, he will then have it in his garage, safe in the knowledge that possession is nine-tenths of the law. Last year, Mother signed a codicil to the will, which said that in the event of her death, Andrew would be entitled to live in her house for two years. Mother signed it and I still dont know why because it would have deprived the rest of us of our inheritance. Luckily, Mother mentioned it to us and we reversed it. But, oh, the stress of! it all! Some friends have suggested that all this will-barminess is down to my family being Irish. But I know this is not the case, because I have English friends whose mothers have behaved similarly, told their offspring what to do, threatened them with wills and then keeled over and left the whole jolly lot to the Donkey Sanctuary. Because my mother is Irish, a nurse and a proper Catholic, she has no fear of death and often talks about If I die, usually while smoking her pipe and drinking a large Bushmills.When Mother was 58, she described herself as middle-aged, until I pointed out few people live to 116. If you add up the combined ages of Mothers children, we come to 275, but we vie for Mothers attention as much as when we were two, four, eight, 11 and 15. This Family Will Neurosis has been passed on. My eldest sister keeps her will on the bedside table. Anne has left everything she owns to cat sanctuaries, dogs homes and the Mrs Tiggywinkle hedgehog thingummy. Again, she changes hers all the time. Mother used to say Andrew needed more money than the rest of us because he has four children and her other children have only two, or one, or none at all.

Mothers will is a bit like the hokey-cokey you put your daughter in, you take your daughter out, one sons annoyed me so Ill shake it all aboutShe said Deirdre didnt need to be left a hapenny because she had forsaken the Church, was rich in her own right and had a beautiful house. Frankly, I think poor Deirdre should be compensated for being given the name Deirdre, and because she lives near Mother and looks after her, as does Andrew. As for Michael, he went to live in Africa 30 years ago and is therefore a special case for the will. Mother says: He has no foothold in the YooKay, God love him and keep him. Yes, God love him and keep him, but Mother please dont leave him more money than me just because he went troppo three decades ago. Plus in Africa, he has no heating bills to worry about. But what we have all come to realise is the really special case is ! Andrew, the Mummys boy, the favourite, he who can do no wrong. Once I asked Mother why he was so favoured, why he got a go-kart for Christmas and the rest of us received an Enid Blyton book, a Curly Wurly and a kick up the backside to tidy our bedrooms. Mother replied: Well, hes the only one who looks like me. The biggest problem is that even though were all grown up, we dont want to be left out. It would be like Mother giving out three Easter eggs instead of five and saying: Sorry. Theres nothing for you. Mother promised me this morning that her will would be divided fairly and equally between her children. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. No more doing the hokey-cokey. Great!And she also promised that she will not change it again. Not this week anyway.But its only Thursday.