GCSE stress: One pushy parent's confession
GCSE stress: Confession of a mother who is guilty of putting her daughter under pressure to success at school
Why? Because Im terrified that if they arent high achievers they wont survive in the cut-throat world of work they will enter once they leave education behind.
In a nutshell, my husband and I did well for ourselves so now, like most parents, we want our three girls, aged 16, 13 and five, to do even better.
And to have any hope of doing that theyre going to need to leave school with fists full of damn good grades.
Of course, kids dont see it like that. For them, even at 16, careers are something in the dim and distant future. Left to their own devices, they will worry far more about whether their fringes lie straight or how theyre going to persuade you to let them go to yet another party with their friends, than studying for a time they cant even imagine. Thats where pushy mummy comes in.Its a part Ive been playing since each of my youngsters was in nappies; ever since a news report claimed that reading to a baby was a brilliant way of firing up dormant brain cells.
Parents put pressure on teenagers to success during their examsFrom that day on, even though my baby was just a couple of months old, I read to her every bedtime.And I did the same with her sisters when they came along.
Then, when a midwife friend told me that long-term breast-feeding was thought to boost intelligence, I seized that piece of much-debated information and ran with it. How could I not feed them until they were at least a year old after hearing that?Meanwhile, I pushed them around in buggies that faced me, rather than the traffic, so I could talk to them on the way to the shops.And I fed them brain-food, such as salmon and mackerel, and spent hours playing memory games and doing jigsaws on the floor.Then, when they started school I made sure each of my children already knew their alphabet and could count to 20, ready for their teacher assessments in the first term.That way, they would start school life where I intended them always to stay at the top of the class.
The head of year is on my speed dial
Since then, Ive been one of those mothers the kind who has the direct line to their childs head of year on speed-dial and repeatedly emails for updates on how theyre getting on.My middle girl once suffered the humiliation of one of these emails being projected onto the whiteboard after Id requested it be forwarded to all of her teachers half way through the year. Her form tutor had opened it up at registration, not realising her laptop was linked up to the screen behind her.Everyone saw it, my girl wailed. Youll only be happy when Im officially the class geek. I had to suppress a joyful smirk at the very idea of it.You see, in our house homework comes first and having fun is a reward for hard study. Your future depends on what you put in now, has become my well-worn mantra.Of course, it does help that my children are all bright sparks in the first place.
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I cant help but think (smugly) that their natural ability has been helped along with the time and energy Ive put into them.But how would you have felt if they had turned out as thick as two short planks? a friend asked me recently, as we discussed all that wed done to help our children on their way.I couldnt respond, because the question had never occurred to me (and the obvious answer is Id still love her to bits).Its only now, as I struggle to concentrate on writing this, because my stomach is in knots and I cant think of much other than what the results of today will bring, that I wonder if it should have done.
For weeks now, with her exams well and truly behind her, Ive repeatedly had to reassure my 16-year-old that if she doesnt get top grades it wont matter.Time and again, Ive told her that she has worked as hard as she possibly could and there really werent any more hours available in the day for her to have put in more revision.Whatever you get, Ill be so proud of you, I keep saying.
And I mean every word.
But that hasnt stopped my daughter from carrying a weight of worry around with her all summer, because shes so desperate to have done well.
Can parents put too much stress on children of all ages to do well at school?And its dawning on me, rather uncomfortably, shes fretting not so much because of the way shes handled these exams, but because of how I have.In the run-up to them, no was my default answer when she wanted to go out with her friends, stay up late or take a day off from her studies.
This is your future, I told her, almost daily. You cant take your eye off the ball, not for a moment.Now, I cant help ! but wond er whether, instead of encouraging her to succeed which was what I intended Ive ended up having her believe shes simply not allowed to fail.When, 26 years ago, I went to pick my results up from school, I simply got on the bus and popped into the hall for my envelope, before dashing off into town with my mates.
I've made her feel she's not allowed to fail
As I passed a phone box, I remembered at the last minute to call my mum and let her know Id passed. I dont remember it being that big a deal.Today, my husband and I have taken the morning off work so we can be there when our girl gets her grades.I gulp at the thought of how it will feel when she opens her envelope. Later, Ill doubtless spend the afternoon on the phone to every mother I know in the same position, discussing our childrens futures on the back of their results.It makes me wonder whether the grades our children are given will mean more to us than them.Having finally recognised the stress Ive put my daughter under in recent months, thats something I feel bad about.
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