Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jeremy Irons and why you can't teach dirty dogs new tricks

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Eyes front: Jeremy Irons insists bottom pinching is no bad thingReally, there is no lech like an old lech. Mostly because they have had so much time to practise their dastardly arts. Decades in which to perfect the art of flirty-hand-up-skirty. Many long hot summers in which to pat the unsuspecting bottoms of comely strangers. The doldrums and shallows of long, long marriages in which husband-type lechers could indulge themselves by impregnating the home help and the nanny when no one was looking. Or have an affair at work with the first secretary or co-star who finally tired of fighting off their greasy advances. To be honest, I had fondly imagined that old-school showbiz lechery had gone out of fashion, along with Terry-Thomas moustaches and spats. Yet events this week suggest that, far from being moribund with shame and disgrace, octopus-armed celebrity lechers are still out there; unrepentant, thriving, ready to goose and worse the first pretty girl who passes by.Jeremy Irons was first into the breeches by insisting that bottom pinching is OK, no bad thing. In an interview, the 62-year-old actor declared that a man patting a womans behind was nothing more than indulging in friendly communication with a member of the opposite sex.

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Any woman worth her salt, he told the Radio Times, should be able to deal with a quick fondle. Take it in her stride! Whats the problem? Hot on his fevered footsteps was arch-lech Arnold Schwarzenegger. This week, the 64-year-old former governor of California made light of his pen! ding div orce from his wife Maria Shriver by wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan Survived Maria on the back, with the years 2007-2010 printed under it. He had crossed out the first year and replaced it with 1977, the year they started dating. A joke? Not for someone who knows he is going to be photographed, and that those images will soon whizz around the world.

Shameless? Arnold Schwarzenegger steps out in an 'I survived Maria' T-shirt in Santa Monica after cheating on estranged wife Maria ShriverNot for someone who has broken the heart of his wife of 25 years by fathering a love child with their long-time household maid Mildred Baena. Not for someone who then kept the child and the affair a secret for more than ten years. Schwarzeneggers humiliation of his wife is so complete and so merciless that he has no need to add the salt of more public insult to the wound of her mortification. Yet the fact that he does says much about his lack of shame and the demands of his own ego. In his own mind and his own trousers, he can do no wrong. Never mind that even his own children are horrified by his actions. When the scandal first broke, his 17-yearold son immediately changed his surname on Twitter from Schwarzenegger to Shriver.

'Out in the real world, we know that new generations of women are raising sons to respect women and to understandsexual boundaries in a wholesome way'Being sacked as a dad would psychologically unhinge many men, some of whom might even begin to question the morality of their own lecherous actions. Not the housekeeper-loving Sperminator, whose reputation as a philanderer stretches from broom cupboard to governors office to film set and beyond. So put down that mop and come to poppa!And whats really shocking is that old goats such as Schwarzenegger! and Iro ns who sound like a comedy hardware store, no jokes about tools please is that they really believe theyve done nothing wrong. Of course, both are actors. And one of the main perks of being an actor is that it brings lots of contact with pretty young women. This brings myriad opportunities for powerful men like them to get crabbed old hands on as much hot young flesh as possible. Recently in unrelated circumstances disparate stars such as Gwyneth Paltrow, Myleene Klass and Megan Fox have all vouched that the casting couch is alive and well in Hollywood. And that in the darker corners of showbiz there are legions of men who expect starlets to do their duty and sleep with them. Isnt it utterly depressing that this still goes on?

Jeremy Irons with Sinead Cusack. The couple have been married for 33 yearsFor his part, Irons asks why cant women accept a pat on the bottom with good humour? Whats the problem, girly? Its only a bit of fun, after all. Pat, pat, fondle. Where is the harm, hmmm? Now come and sit on my knee, you pretty little thing. Did I tell you about the time I played twin gynaecologists in Dead Ringers? Or that I got an Oscar for Reversal Of Fortune? Yes, darling, I am married, but its nothing serious. Indeed, Irons has been married to actress Sinead Cusack for 33 years. The couple have two grown-up sons and are reported to have an open marriage. A concept one suspects, he has been rather keener on than her. The actor has previously described his relationship with Cusack as dysfunctional and claimed that part of our nature is to have as many partners as possible. Any excuse will do.A man like Irons, who believes that it is acceptable in this day and age to suggestively place his hands on the body of a woman he has only just met, is a man out of touch with the times and with serious social problems. Recent photographs of Irons meeting the beautiful actress Sienna Miller illustrate hi! s attitu de perfectly. With his hands on her waist, as if he were a chimp about to climb a coconut tree, he devours the Miller cleavage with eyes a-pop. This is awful to behold, as if old Jeremy has never seen a pair of breasts before. Unless Siennas got a map pinpointing Shergars grave tucked down there, in which case, apologies all round. Yet as they wander deeper into lechery-territory than is strictly comfortable to witness, both men dismiss criticism of their actions as politically correct hogwash. In Hollywood at least, they are not alone. However, out in the real world, we know that new generations of women are raising sons to respect women and to understand sexual boundaries in a wholesome way. Yet for lechers such as Schwarzenegger and Irons, it is too late to learn. You cant teach a dirty old dog new tricks. And unfortunately, theyll both be back.

Fashion royalty: Vogue's Anna Wintour

My 90s frock? It's vintage, dahling!

Mario Testinos photographs of Kate Mosss wedding are irresistible.
The bride looks radiant, the groom like a rock and roll waxwork, the guests a smor-gasbord of fashion gorgeousness.
Anna Wintour in multi- coloured paillettes, Naomi Campbell in feathered Givenchy and glamorous magazine editor Carine Roitfeld in what Vogue calls a vintage 90s bias-cut Galliano gown.
Whoa. Hold it right there. Vintage? The Nineties?
Surely not already? I think Ive still got tins in the cupboard from the Nineties. Definitely some pairs of opaque tights. A bit of grunge, a Goth frock or two, a pair of Birkenstocks? Got the lot.
Unfortunately in a shattered-tramp sort of way, rather than a high fashion vintage sort of way.
Yet it seems like just yesterday we were all watching a new-fangled show called Friends and trying to tie the ends of our denim shirts in a knot. Now we are vintage, fashion relics.
What a drag it is, getting old.

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A female riot cop

This week was no riot for the robocops

Magistrates courts sat through the night to process the miscreants, looters and rioters who rampaged through the capital this week.
And the shock was not so much the soft sentences handed down to younger offenders what do you do to a 17-year-old found guilty of stealing sweets? but the identity of so many of the alleged plunderers.
The suspects include a dance teacher, a law student, a posh girl accused of being a getaway driver and a teaching assistant.
Yes, many were under 23 and unemployed, but the suspicion remains that for most of those involved, it wasnt a riot, it was a rave. Shopping with menaces, with the added excitement of a possible police chase. Just like joy-riding, except with plasma TVs instead of cars.
Yes, the riots and behaviour of many of the louts involved made me burn with rage and despair. But I also accept the police are caught in a trap.
There arent enough of them to go around and when they do flood the streets, tooled up like Robocops, theyre accused of over-reacting.
Much criticised for heavy-handed behaviour after the last riots in the capital, they are damned if they do and decried if they dont.
So spare a thought for the police, whose misfortune it is to try to interpret the shifting sands of government policy.

Pantomime: X Factor's Katy Waissel in Woodward's albino lashes

One stylist who won't win any talent contests

As the attention of the world swung on Britain this week, how unfortunate that uppermost in our pop charts was X-Factor alumnus Cher Lloyd, with her number one hit, Swagger Jagger. Talk about embarrassing!
Cher, 18, famously has the dislikeability factor, but even more dire is her new record, quite the wors! t song i n the history of pop. And yes, I am including that 1968 travesty Little Arrows, by Leapy Lee.
Yet at least feisty Cher has somehow managed to survive the style deprivations and humiliations of the talent show that made her famous.
It has just been announced that The X Factors chief stylist Grace Woodward will not be working on the new series, which starts next week.
Not before time! For Grace, who had a romance with winner Matt Cardle, appeared not to have her mind on the job last year.
When not snogging Matt, she inexplicably put Katie Waissel in a Perspex helmet and albino eyelashes, Cardle himself in hideous yellow trousers, and Tesco worker Mary Byrne in a jump suit.
It was a creative car crash, from start to finish. There were even some weeks when one suspected that Mary longed for the glamour of the nylon Tesco tabard, rather than face the weekly mortification at the hands of Graces costume department.
Cher endured ripped combats and fluorescent hi-top trainers to become the UKs number one girl.
She is living the dream and she has undoubtedly nailed it. Unfortunately for us.