Too much ado not healthy for couples
For a healthy marriage, some things are better left unsaid while others must be discussed at length. Our experts tell you more
The success of a marriage depends a lot on how well a couple communicates. Too much ado over irrelevant things can hamper your relationship and break it bit by bit. On the other hand, ignoring the things that matter can have the same effect. Marriage counsellor Rhea Tembhekar and Kersi Chavda, past president of Bombay Psychiatric Society, tell you how to pick the issues.
Bury these past relationships
It's alright to tell your spouse about your ex. But talking about details from past relationships can rock your current one. Details such as the first time you kissed your ex or your first night together or how he or she was in bed are irrelevant to your present. Your spouse may get the impression that you are not over your ex and make him/her feel unwanted.
In-laws
Not everybody likes their in-laws. However, saying that aloud is not a great idea. You may think your spouse's parents are old-fashioned when it comes to clothes. As long as your spouse has no issues with what you wear, there's no need to bring in the in-laws. Comparing your spouse with your mother or father is unfair. For instance, statements such as "My mother cooks better than you" or "My father has a bigger house than yours" are belittling. When you refuse to listen to your parents' criticism of your spouse and don't complain about his or her parents, you build a foundation that remains unaffected by external factors such as in-laws.
Flaws
Your wife may be overweight or your husband bald. When you point out these shortcomings during an argument, it hurts the other and sows the seeds of insecurity. Once the damage is done it's difficult to rebuild the lost trust. Next time your partner will be on guard before sharing his or her innermost feeling for the fear of being hurt again.
Crushes
If you have a crush on some! body, it 's healthy to share it with your spouse as long as it remains a crush. If you find yourself talking too excitedly about your crush all the time, then it will cause trouble. For instance telling your spouse, "Our eyes met and were locked for more than five seconds" will make him or her feel jealous. They might even turn back and tell you, "Why are you staying with me if you like someone else so much?"
The D word
If you don't mean it, don't say 'I will divorce you' every time you have a fight. Once you have mentioned the word, it will linger in the mind of your partner and gradually he/she may start believing you are not really happy with them, leading him/her to walk out on you.
Air these finances
The sooner you get money issues out of your way, the better it is for your relationship. Inside a marriage, money should be considered 'ours' and not 'mine' or 'yours'. While autonomy is important when both of you are earning, you must divide responsibilities equally to take care of regular expense such as kids' education, rent, instalments, investments and household expenditure. You may decide to open a joint account and pool in money every month, depending on your earning.
Sexual desires
Often, partners do not communicate what they like or dislike in bed. The result is sexual dissatisfaction and frustration. People fear embarrassment, assume they already know what satisfies their partner or think what worked with previous partners will work for the current ones. If you let your partner know what pleasures you more, what feels uncomfortable and why, it will help both of you to explore and enjoy each other's bodies better.
Likes and dislikes
Different likes and dislikes need not become a compatibility issue. In fact, knowing and communicating your preferences to your spouse can help you care more for them. For instance, if you know that your partner likes to have coffee in the morning with less sugar, and you remember to prepare it t! he way h e or she likes it, then you will certainly earn some smiles and brownie points.
Parenting issues
Whether to have children or not is a big question in most marriages. While one partner may be adamant on not having kids, another may want one desperately. Reason out if it's logical to have kids with your financial status. If not, postpone it till a time when you think you can afford one emotionally and financially. When it comes to parenting, there could be conflict with individual styles. For instance, a father may be okay with the child coming home late at night while the mother may be against it. Talking it over is the best option so that your kid does not suffer because of the conflict.
Ankit.Ajmera@timesgroup.com
The success of a marriage depends a lot on how well a couple communicates. Too much ado over irrelevant things can hamper your relationship and break it bit by bit. On the other hand, ignoring the things that matter can have the same effect. Marriage counsellor Rhea Tembhekar and Kersi Chavda, past president of Bombay Psychiatric Society, tell you how to pick the issues.
Bury these past relationships
It's alright to tell your spouse about your ex. But talking about details from past relationships can rock your current one. Details such as the first time you kissed your ex or your first night together or how he or she was in bed are irrelevant to your present. Your spouse may get the impression that you are not over your ex and make him/her feel unwanted.
In-laws
Not everybody likes their in-laws. However, saying that aloud is not a great idea. You may think your spouse's parents are old-fashioned when it comes to clothes. As long as your spouse has no issues with what you wear, there's no need to bring in the in-laws. Comparing your spouse with your mother or father is unfair. For instance, statements such as "My mother cooks better than you" or "My father has a bigger house than yours" are belittling. When you refuse to listen to your parents' criticism of your spouse and don't complain about his or her parents, you build a foundation that remains unaffected by external factors such as in-laws.
Flaws
Your wife may be overweight or your husband bald. When you point out these shortcomings during an argument, it hurts the other and sows the seeds of insecurity. Once the damage is done it's difficult to rebuild the lost trust. Next time your partner will be on guard before sharing his or her innermost feeling for the fear of being hurt again.
Crushes
If you have a crush on some! body, it 's healthy to share it with your spouse as long as it remains a crush. If you find yourself talking too excitedly about your crush all the time, then it will cause trouble. For instance telling your spouse, "Our eyes met and were locked for more than five seconds" will make him or her feel jealous. They might even turn back and tell you, "Why are you staying with me if you like someone else so much?"
The D word
If you don't mean it, don't say 'I will divorce you' every time you have a fight. Once you have mentioned the word, it will linger in the mind of your partner and gradually he/she may start believing you are not really happy with them, leading him/her to walk out on you.
Air these finances
The sooner you get money issues out of your way, the better it is for your relationship. Inside a marriage, money should be considered 'ours' and not 'mine' or 'yours'. While autonomy is important when both of you are earning, you must divide responsibilities equally to take care of regular expense such as kids' education, rent, instalments, investments and household expenditure. You may decide to open a joint account and pool in money every month, depending on your earning.
Sexual desires
Often, partners do not communicate what they like or dislike in bed. The result is sexual dissatisfaction and frustration. People fear embarrassment, assume they already know what satisfies their partner or think what worked with previous partners will work for the current ones. If you let your partner know what pleasures you more, what feels uncomfortable and why, it will help both of you to explore and enjoy each other's bodies better.
Likes and dislikes
Different likes and dislikes need not become a compatibility issue. In fact, knowing and communicating your preferences to your spouse can help you care more for them. For instance, if you know that your partner likes to have coffee in the morning with less sugar, and you remember to prepare it t! he way h e or she likes it, then you will certainly earn some smiles and brownie points.
Parenting issues
Whether to have children or not is a big question in most marriages. While one partner may be adamant on not having kids, another may want one desperately. Reason out if it's logical to have kids with your financial status. If not, postpone it till a time when you think you can afford one emotionally and financially. When it comes to parenting, there could be conflict with individual styles. For instance, a father may be okay with the child coming home late at night while the mother may be against it. Talking it over is the best option so that your kid does not suffer because of the conflict.
Ankit.Ajmera@timesgroup.com
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