Could a real-life Nanny McPhee tame my little terrors? What happened when an exhausted mum invited a parenting guru to move in
As I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, full of hope for the future with the man I loved, I had no idea we would one day be engaged in daily slanging matches about the thing we hold dearest to our hearts.
Back then, I felt sure we were compatible. After all, we both enjoyed skiing, country weekends away and Chinese food admittedly not fundamentals in terms of marital bliss, but at least that gave us some common ground.
In the early days, we barely argued. Now I know this is because our lives were so uncomplicated then that there just wasnt that much to disagree over.
Handful: Shona Sibary with 22-month-old Dolly, Monty, eight, nanny Kathryn, Annie, 10, and husband Keith
Becoming parents changed that, however. Suddenly we were seemingly bombarded with 101 tricky decisions to be agreed upon before 9am every day. And all on three hours sleep.
It seems were not alone, since a recent survey revealed that arguing over children is the second most common cause of marital spats money being the first with 50 per cent of disputes being about how to raise them.
Bring the baby into bed? I thought it was a terrible idea. My husband Keith disagreed, considering it the fastest way for us all to get back tosleep.
Let the kids eat crisps in the car? Why not? I said. Over my dead body! Keith replied. And so it continued.
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Things came to a head recently. Having commuted into London for years, leaving daily discipline and decision-making to me, Keith, a consultant, recently started working from home.
Suddenly he was there, every minute, overruling and undermining me. Whereas before, I had autonomy in all matters related to childcare, he is now, annoyingly, putting his oar in.
Me to child: You cant have chocolate for dessert.
Child: But Daddy said it was OK.
Me, through gritted teeth: Keith the children arent allowed chocolate for dessert. They never have been.
Keith: Ive told him he can now. You cant just wade in and go against what Ive said.
Miracle worker: Nanny McPhee was all-wise, all seeing and had the answer to everything in dealing with troublesome children
So, another argument ensues. A few moments later Keith and I are still rooted to the spot, yelling at each other, while said child has disappeared, with an apple, and is happily watching TV in the other room.
Clearly when it comes to our four children Flo, 12, Annie, ten, Monty, eight and Dolly, 22 months, we need expert help. And fast.
Kathryn Mewes brands herself as the Bespoke Nanny.
With 16 years of experience as a Norland nanny, she is the latest formidable force in a growing trend of UK parenting gurus real-life Nanny McPhees who arrive at affluent households, troubleshoot a potential problem,! then de part, leaving their invoice on the doormat.
Kathryn, 37, claims she can resolveany challenge within three days of stepping over a threshold. No wonder, then, that so many celebrities, including actress Helena Bonham Carter, have recruited a parenting guru.
Kathryn has worked in dozens of households and had many rich and famous clients (although she remains tight-lipped on names).
THE FOUR RULES FOR FAMILY HARMONY
When one parent begins to discipline a child, they must follow through with no interference from their partner.
Discuss discipline techniques when the children are not present, after the incident. Come up with a game plan on how to deal with this incident should it arise again.
Children become aware very quickly of what is important to each of their parents, but they also need to know that one cant be played off against the other.
Couples need to agree on the surface, even if they dont deep down, for the sake of their child. Mixed messages have no beneficial gain.
Her first evening with a family is usually spent with both parents after the children have gone to bed, discussing a game plan.
Problem is, you have to get said children to bed first. No easy feat when our 12-year old thinks 8.30pm is too early, insisting she is the only person in her class with such an uncool bedtime.
I stand firm: Upstairs! Now!
Flo plants her feet, prepared for battle. Keith, desperate to avoid the inevitable blow-up (and having seen the unopened bottle of wine on the kitchen table), starts negotiating.
If you go up now, you can read in bed for 30 minutes.
No she cant! I retort. Its lights out. And, anyhow, Im dealing with this not you.
Kathryn says nothing. Her role is observational at this point though Id pay good money to read her mind. Hang on, I am paying good money to read her mind: she charges 300 per day.
Over dinner, she asks us to remember how important it is, when! dealing with children, to be singing from the same song sheet.
Of course, we know this already were not idiots. Our problem is that were both singing so loudly that neither of us can hear the other.
That night Kathryn sleeps in the spare bedroom, and I have to admit it feels slightly odd having a stranger in the house, fighting for space in the bathroom in the morning.
I wake on Day Two, dreading what lies ahead. Part of me wants us all to be on our best behaviour and do what we usually do when theres a guest in the house smile inanely, avoid conflict on the surface and kick shins under the kitchen table.
But I know, deep down, this is pointless. The clock is ticking, time is money, and Kathryn is only here for another 48 hours. The quicker she sees us at our worst, the quicker she can work her magic. Over breakfast she explains to the children why shes here.
Mummy and Daddy want everybody to stop saying mean things to each other and start being kind instead, she says.
Monty, mouth full of cornflakes, says: Last week Mummy told Daddy to get over himself, then he threw a washing-up sponge at her.
There are times when I love mysonfor his honesty, and there areother times when I could throttlehim. Thankfully, Kathryn isunfazed.
All of you must start to focus on the positive in each other, she says. If you insist on arguing, you have to do it at the bottom of the garden because nobody else in the family wants to hear you.
Even if its raining? Annie asks, incredulous.
While the children are at school, Kathryn suggests an encouragement aid to motivate us all to stop bickering. Its a jam jar and marbles, the principle being that any kind words result in a marble being placed in the jar and any undesirable behaviour in a marble being taken out. Once the jar is filled, the whole family gets a reward.
Its hardly rocket science, but Kathryns optimism that this will work is touching. She is, after all, unta! inted by years of simmering resentment and unbroken nights sleep.
She tells me that as a spectator looking in, its always obvious when one parents approach is right and the other ones isnt. But the crux is to put the child first.
You and Keith are placing yourselves and your opinions before your children. Your battle for control has stopped you from seeing what benefits the child. Whoever starts the discipline process must follow it through. If the other doesnt agree, they take it up later in private.
The following day, we have the perfect opportunity to follow Kathryns advice at the breakfast table when Monty is playing up.
Ive never had the energy or inclination to meet my children head-on first thing in the morning. Keith, however, takes a zero tolerance approach to flicking Cheerios across the kitchen, and sends Monty to his room without any breakfast.
This sets us back ten minutes and leaves me seething. Not only are we now running late, but Monty will be hungry all morning.
I can feel an argument brewing quicker than the Earl Grey in the teapot but, rather than interjecting, I concentrate on getting the other three children into the car. By the time Ive come back inside, Monty has apologised to Keith for his bad behaviour and been given a piece of toast to eat on the way to school.
As I reverse the car out of the drive, trying to ignore Keiths smug wave from the door, I can see how my not interfering made dealing with Montys behaviour much simpler for Keith. There was one message, and one parent sending it.
This is definitely a result, and one of many valuable lessons we learn from Kathryn.
Principles such as asking your child to do something or not to do it rather than telling them worked well, as did the advice that if you dictate to your child, they are often likely to rebel or ignore you. Another of her tips is never to bribe, always to reward on result; and she advises a parent to trust their child to m! ake thei r own decisions and choices, though that sounds like a scary one to me.
Kathryn explains: With the right guidance and opportunities, a child can be encouraged to make the right choice in terms of their behaviour.
If a child is trying to take a toy from their sibling, I will offer them the choice of alternative toys to playwith. If they cannot agree to share, they need to make that choice to remove themselves from the situation. Its up to them to make the decision. Children rarely choose incorrectly, but if they do, this technique means the child is aware that they, not their parent, have made that decision.
Teaching a child to understand their own ability to determine causeand effect is critical to improved behaviour.
Kathryn works, generally, on the principle of: Ask, Explain, Guide, Thank and Praise. An example of this would be:
ASK Please, Annie, can you stop making that noise.
EXPLAIN It is hurting my ears.
GUIDE How about you get your art work out until tea time, or would you like to help me prepare the meal?
THANK Thank you, Annie, for choosing to stop that noise and finding something to do.
PRAISE You are a good girl, I am lucky to have you.
This might sound like a very structured way of handling a child, but we found it worked for us.
By the end of her stay, Kathryn is piling marbles into the jar.
She tells me: Building parents confidence is crucial. Confidence leads to happy, loving parenting, which is what children need to feel: loved and be happy. You need to have faith in each others ability to be a good parent.
Discuss your different approaches privately, but, in front of the children, always try to stay united. Otherwise youre escalating a situation, and causing unnecessary upset and confusion for the children.
Shes right, of course. But the reality is this is easier said than done.
Before she leaves, Kathryn suggests we both talk to ! each mor e about our upbringings and how we want to raise the children. She says we need to pin-point areas of conflict and agree an approach that we both have faith in.
After shes gone, I feel a little bereft. Its been an intense experience. The only other people who have seen us up so close and personal in the past have been relatives. And, unsurprisingly, its been easier to accept criticism from Kathryn than from my mother-in-law.
Experts agree that the idea of bringing a new person into a family situation to give a fresh view is a psychologically sound one.
One can get caught up in patterns of behaviour with children where you reach an impasse, says Stephen Scott, consultant child psychiatrist and professor of child health and behaviour at Kings College Hospital, London.
Bringing someone else in, who has a whole new bag of tricks, is a good technique because it cuts across patterns of stuck behaviour.
So did Kathryn truly succeed in solving our problems in just three days? Certainly, she gave us useful tips and techniques to work with. Who knows? We may even fill that jar with marbles if we can ever agree on what the final reward should be.
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