'I never wanted to be a mother': Nancy Dell'Olio reveals in a highly personal testimony, despite one abortion and two miscarriages, she has no regrets...
No regrets: Nancy Dell'Olio reveals why she never wanted to be a mother
As a woman, Im not supposed to feel this way, let alone mention it, but the truth is I have never wanted to be a mother.
People always look at me suspiciously when I admit this. Sometimes they feel sorry for me, often they judge, nearly always they assume I dont really mean it.
But I do and Im not afraid to say so, despite what society tells me.
This doesnt mean I dont like children. I love them and have a wonderful niece and three adorable godchildren.
But even in my teens, when I first started to feel like a woman, I knew I didnt want my own child.
It was the Seventies and back then people believed becoming a mother was the most natural thing in the world.
All my friends thought so but I didnt feel it. I wanted to live life, to work, explore, discover things not just about the world but about myself.
I was in my late 20s when I fell pregnant.
I was working in Rome as a lawyer and had been with Giancarlo Mazza, the man who would become my husband, for a year.
We had just started to live together and so, in some ways, the circumstances were absolutely right.
I strongly believe that children should be born out of a couple and we were happy.
But I also believe we ! should b e responsible for every action we take, particularly one such as this.
And I knew I didnt feel ready to have a child. I did not blossom as some women do when they are pregnant.
I felt sick. I couldnt eat and couldnt sleep without the help of pills.
Past love: Nancy with ex-husband Giancarlo Mazza -she conceived twice while they were married but lost both babies
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Worst of all was the feeling of claustrophobia, both mentally and physically. I had a constant pain in my chest and often struggled to breathe.
There were other factors too. Giancarlo was 20 years older than me and had brought up his three children from his first marriage on his own.
His youngest had just turned 18 and I didnt think it was fair to him to start all over again. It wasnt the right time in our relationship it was still young and we were at the beginning of our time together.
He was a man who had suffered in life; he used to call me his holiday because the time we spent together was a freedom from the cares of the world. I wanted us to have time to ourselves.
In love: Nancy fell pregnant with former England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson b! ut misca rried after two months
And I was worried, too, that he might think this was a way to trap him.
And yes, it could have been insurance for life but I think that is the most dishonest thing a woman can do.
A baby should never be used to cement a relationship and, anyway, Im not even sure it can.
Yes, children can make a woman secure in her divorce but not in her relationship.
When I told Giancarlo I was pregnant, he was very sweet, very supportive.
He said it was my choice but he would be with me whatever my decision. I gave myself time to think two or three weeks.
'I don't fell any less of a woman': Nancy Dell'Olio said she has no regrets
I had to be sure but deep down I think I always knew the answer. It was not good for the relationship, for me or for Giancarlo.
I booked myself into a private clinic and had a termination.
It wasnt easy and nor was it something I took lightly.
Growing up in Italy, a Catholic country, it had always been part of my education that this was wrong.
I didnt tell my parents. Perhaps I didnt have the relationship with my mother where I felt I could share that with her; I also knew she and my father would not be able to accept what I had done.
I never talked about it afterwards but I was completely convinced, and remain convinced , hat I did the right thing.
When I fell pregnant again less than two years later, I felt similarly conflicted. Giancarlo was over the moon.
By then he was sure he wanted more children but I was not convinced.
I was standing as a candidate for election to the Assembly of Rome but now my career in politics looked to be short.
I had not decided what to do when I miscarried after two months, but I was ! probably going to have another termination. You have to be honest with yourself and if I am honest with you now, I felt not happiness exactly but relief. Nature had made the decision for me.
My life moved forward, I met Sven-Goran Eriksson and my marriage broke up after eight years. Giancarlo later regretted not having children but they are no guarantee of love. It would not have kept us together.
Strong: Nancy Dell'Olio says her last miscarriage was 'deeply painful' but she accepts it was part of her destiny
I was happy with my lot but as I grew older I watched more and more of my friends become desperate for children.
I am against single parents. Of course things happen in life, you cannot guarantee a child will always have a mother and father, but I firmly believe that this should be the starting point.
Instead, my friends stopped looking for a lover or a man to spend the rest of their lives with and started looking for fathers. They just wanted someone, anyone, to give them a child.
Adoption: Nancy says her and former partner Sven-Goran Eriksson talked about adopting children
I dont want to judge in the way people have judged me. Its not a black-and-white issue, I accept that, but I confess I cannot understand these women.
A child is a gift, not a right. I appreciate I have never felt that overwhelming desire, desperation even, but I dont believe you need motherhood to make yourself feel complete.
I do not need to define myself that way. Would b! eing a m other add something to my life? Yes, probably, but that doesnt mean my lifes not full. Motherhood is one experience but it is not the only one.
I love my friends and family and the way I love a man is very maternal, very protective.
I do not feel less feminine or less of a woman just because I dont have children. I vaguely wondered if the biological clock might start ticking one day, but I can honestly say it never really did.
I fell pregnant once more, just before Sven was offered the job of managing the England football team.
I was 39 years old. I do not have the same obsession with age as you do in this country and I did not feel this was my last chance to have a baby.
Nevertheless, I was at a different stage; I was in love and part of me thought this was the right time.
Sven and I had not set out to have a child but he had said at the beginning of our relationship that he would like more children.
He was away with his team, Lazio, when I went for a check-up with my doctor and he told me I was almost two months gone.
Close: Nancy says she loves the man in her life in a 'maternal way' and was together with Sven Goran-Eriksson for ten years
This time, I dont know what I would have done. On a rational level I thought yes, I was ready. I was in a different state of mind and a different relationship.
But subconsciously I still wasnt sure.
When I miscarried shortly afterwards, it was more painful than anything I had ever experienced.
I felt much more physically and emotionally upset by the death of the new life within me but I also accepted it as part of my destiny.
I do not regret what happened. In fact, with the benefit of hindsight,! Im happ y we did not bring a child into this world.
When I say Ive never wanted children, people assume I dont care.
No regrets: Nancy Dell'Olio says she is happy her and Sven-Goran Eriksson didn't have a child together
If anything I care too much. I understand what is involved in having a child and the responsibility of it. A part of me was always worried Id fail, another part scared I might be too obsessed,too protective.
I know my nature and the sort of all-consuming love I can have.
I have friends who are envious of my situation. They love their children but they would like the same freedom and independence as I have.
In a few cases, friends have admitted they regretted their decision; they had children at the wrong time, theyre not happy mothers and now feel frustrated with their lives.
Of course, many women probably the majority wish to become mothers and there is nothing wrong with that. But I do believe we need to be more honest with ourselves.
Things are slowly changing, but how many women become mothers not because they particularly want to but because they feel it is expected of them?
I was lucky. I was very aware of what I wanted from life and I wasnt frightened to live out of the box.
For some, motherhood is the most important thing in the world but that doesnt mean every woman really wants a child.
Strangely, in Italy it is perhaps easier for women to say they do not want children than it is in this country.
Although it is known for being family-orientated, Italy now has one of the lowest birth rates in Europe as more women are focusing on their careers and exploring other choices.
Regrets: Delia Smith revealed this week she would have liked children
Only this week, the cook Delia Smith revealed that she would have liked children but admitted that one of the reasons she has probably been so successful is because she didnt have any. She doesnt think it is possible to have it all, and neither do I.
There was a time in my life, a few years ago, during my relationship with Sven, when I wanted to adopt.
Some might think that is a contradiction but I dont agree. Im very pro-adoption.
Through my work with the British Red Cross and my charity Truce International, I have been involved with many wonderful children who need and deserve a better life.
Maybe I still will adopt one day, but that doesnt mean I regret not having my own.
In fact, I feel proud that I was strong enough to stand up for my beliefs, even if that meant being judged and criticised simply because I have chosen to live in a different way.
For as long as I can remember, doctors, friends, family have told me I will regret my decision one day.
Why? Anything can happen and children are no guarantee, nor should they be, of future happiness.
I think it is patronising to say I cannot enjoy my later years because I dont have children or grandchildren.
I intend to have as full and adventurous a life as I have always done.
And I hope that in the years to come, more women will feel the same.
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