In our increasingly sexualised society, the pressure to be a domestic nymphette has never been greater, says LINDA KELSEY.
When my menopause began three years ago, just as my marriage was ending, I assumed that sexual passion would never be more than a distant memory.At first it felt almost unseemly that, as a woman in my 50s, I should expect or even hope to find sexual fulfilment again. And in any case, my libido had been in decline for years. I had lost or repressed sexual feeling to the point where I had almost convinced myself I didnt much care about sex any more.
Keeping the passion alive: Forty-three percent of women suffer from female sexual dysfunctionIf I were to take the symptoms that have come to define female sexual dysfunction (FSD) and of which I was unaware at the time at face value, I could quite quickly have convinced myself that not only was I abnormal, but suffering from some sort of scary disease. Not that Id be alone. If statistics are to be believed, 43per cent of women suffer from FSD, the symptoms of which include lack of sexual desire, difficulty in becoming aroused, inability to achieve orgasm, anxiety about sexual performance, pain during intercourse or failure to derive pleasure from sex.
Certainly some of these symptoms, which Ive on occasion experienced, would be familiar to most women I know, especially over the course of a long-term relationship. Women today are in a terrible bind about the part that passion plays in their lives. Our heads tell us a degree of routine and lack of desire are bound to set in over the course of a long relationship; but in our hearts, we feel entitled to carry on feeling sexually satisfied into old age. And given that sexual attraction is what brings people together in the first place, its perhaps not surprising we have a deep-rooted fear that when passion wanes, love will soon follow suit. Its not just sexual contentment that is at stake. When a woman senses she is not satisfying her partners needs, she has good r! eason to believe that hell seek his sexual pleasure elsewhere.
Reignited: Linda Kelsey's sexual spark returned in a new relationshipAdultery is hardly new, but the opportunities for extramarital sex have never been greater. The number of available, single women is growing and there are plenty of women already in relationships prepared to have casual sex with a married man, as even the most cursory glance at the internet dating or cybersex sites will tell you. As one worn-out mum of three young children confided to me recently: I wouldnt blame my husband one bit if he had an affair. Yes, Id be devastated, but I wouldnt blame him. I feel practically numb from the waist down, Im so tired. And, of course, in our increasingly sexualised society, the pressure to be a domestic nymphette has never been greater. A multi-million-pound industry is springing up to capitalise on these fears by holding out hope of a magic bullet that will keep us wanting sex 24/7.To stay forever youthful is the Holy Grail and, as surveys have shown, if you can hang on to a sense of sexual vitality in your relationship, you will feel younger longer. It used to be only young people who boasted about sex, but now it seems that everyone from Madonna, 52, with her succession of toyboys, to Jane Fonda, 73, who recently trumpeted that shes having the best sex of her life, is swinging from the chandeliers. So we have come to fear loss of passion as we fear loss of youth. When Pamela Stephenson, 61, announced that losing weight for TVs Strictly made her feel friskier and that husband Billy Connolly was reaping the benefits, it made us wonder if we shouldnt be trying harder, too. So, was my own loss of libido over 20 years an indication that there was something fundamentally clinically wrong with me? Or was it the relationship, as well as a myriad outside anxieties, that was to blame for my lack of desire?Imagine my relief when I disc! overed t hat desire, in my case, had not so much lain down and died but had, rather like a hedgehog, gone into prolonged hibernation. Following separation from my husband, my sexual spark plugs were reignited in a new relationship and I felt like Sleeping Beauty awakened after 100 years to the life-affirming power of passion.
Of course, as anyone who has ever had an extra-marital affair well knows, its perfectly possible to feel sexy with your lover and switchedoff with your husband. But as someone who is wedded to the idea of fidelity, I wasnt prepared to go down that route.I love Jack, Ireally do, my fortysomething friend Susie told me ruefully, but I just cant be bothered with sex any more. Which isnt to say I dont long for a bit of passion in my life. Ive been reading Madame Bovary and Im burning up with jealousy even though shes a fictional character, a complete cow and it all ends up badly for her. How can you not feel jealous when you read She leant over him, murmuring, breathless with ecstasy? I was breathless with ecstasy when Jack and I first got together; now I only get breathless from climbing the stairs. Theresnothing much wrong between us other than same old sex syndrome and knowing exactly what the next move will be. I just go to bed before him and pretend Im asleep by the time hes finished flossing his teeth.
"Instead of regarding desire as part of the ebb and flow of relationships, were being conditioned to think one party not wanting sex is something that must be medically fixed."Looking back, I can see the passion killers in my own marriage included fatigue, work stress, depression, lack of intimacy, resentment and thats just on my side of the bed. I didnt have a medical condition as such, although in the wake of Viagra and the profits it has generated, the pharmaceutical industry is keen to make women like me believe we do have something wrong with us.Drugs manufacturers are in a desperate race to discover a miracle pill that will restore female desire. And when it arrives, ! they are determined to have us clamouring for it like the latest anti-wrinkle cream. If you dont want sex with a partner, its a clinical condition requiring a pharmaceutical solution as far as the drugs industry is concerned, says sexual health educator Dr Petra Boynton, who lectures at University College London. But loss of desire is a symptom rather than the problem. Whats little understood is that even Viagra wont work on a man who has deep-seated psychological problems. His anxieties will override the physiological problem if he doesnt feel like having sex.In a documentary film, Orgasm Inc, film-maker Liz Canner gains behind-the-scenes access to a large pharmaceutical company that is in the process of developing what it hopes will be the first female Viagra. She discovers that, far from creating a drug that will tackle an existing problem, the pharmaceutical industry is trying to promote loss of libido as a disorder, purely to sell drugs.Psychosexual therapist Mary Clegg an online agony aunt for Saga says that whereas younger women are quicker to face sexual problems, women past 45 split into two camps when it comes to issues such as lack or loss of libido. Either they are resigned and dejected, she says, or they say if they cant sort it out theyre going to ditch their partner and try to find someone who will thrill them. In the past, as women entered their 50s, 60s and beyond they might have said that their marriages were sexless but compatible. But today, women want more.So far, the pharmaceutical industry appears to be having little success with pills and patches to pep up a womans sex life and perhaps thats fortunate. While some women have low testosterone which can effect libido, testosterone patches (marketed as Intrinsa) have proved to be only minimally effective and the long-term side-effects are not yet known. Not that that has stopped them being sold over the internet in ways which are downright dangerous. To investigate, I underwent an online medical consultation for lack of desire at theonlinec! linic.co m.
Despite the fact these drugs are licensed only for women who have had a hysterectomy involving removal of both uterus and ovaries (I havent), and are taking HRT (Im not), in just a few minutes I had been deemed a candidate for Intrinsa and directed to an area where I could buy online. I wonder how many thousands of other women fall prey to such potentially health-damaging scams in a desperate bid to restore sexual sensation?Apart from dodgy marketing techniques and the possible effects on our physical health, I think theres a fundamental error in this pharmaceutical route to nirvana in which womens sexual response is equated with a mans.Instead of regarding desire as part of the ebb and flow of relationships, were being conditioned to think one party not wanting sex is something that must be medically fixed. There seems to be an idea that male impotence and so-called female sexual dysfunction are parallel. But how can you even begin to talk about sexual dysfunction in women, when no one has established what normal is?Whereas a mans physical desire is obvious, the way a woman responds to stimulation is more qualitative and depends on different stimuli including whether or not your partner appreciates the meal you just cooked or notices youve been to the hairdresser. To label women who dont feel the urge to have sex as sexually dysfunctional adds to their anxiety and quite often their shame. There are many causes of lack or loss of libido. From the tiredness that goes with having children to the dearth of privacy when teenagers are rampaging through the house.
From medical conditions such as diabetes and cardiovascular disease to relationship problems and worries about money and work. None of these issues will be resolved by a chemical compound.Thirty years married and a grandmother of two, Pat, 54, dragged her husband, kicking and screaming, along to Relate for sex therapy. It saved their marriage. When I was going through the menopause I felt frumpy and went off sex, Pat told me. I could see! that if I carried on rejecting Rob hed leave. At first, I went on my own to see the counsellor, but after talking to her she encouraged me to persuade Rob along as well. It was excruciating at first. We said things in front of the counsellor wed never dare to say in bed. We were set exercises involving touch but without sexual contact, and then went home to practise. Initially, Pat says, it seemed fake and stupid. But through laughing about it, she and Rob started to get back the playful side of their relationship, which led to Pat feeling sexy again. Its great to have sex back on the menu as a pleasure rather than a chore. Grand passion? Not exactly. But a little of what you fancy does you good, even when youve been married as long as we have.Sexual passion is an important component of a relationship. To thrive, it requires intimacy in and out of bed, as well as communication and a mutual acceptance that sometimes sex is the last thing on your mind.One thing it doesnt need is the interference of a cynical industry trying to turn the complex issue of desire into a money-spinning, medical crisis.
Comments