Royal wedding coverage: Paul Burrell and Jennie Bond to give commentary

Add to My Stories I will not be appearing on telly this Friday, commenting on the Wedding. Mind you, I am well qualified to do so, having appeared on Im A Celebrity.
Two of the highly paid pundits who are enlightening U.S. TV viewers with their analysis of all things royal are former reality show contestants Paul Burrell and Jennie Bond.
I doubt that either has spoken to a member of the Royal Family for more than a decade, but that doesnt seem to matter.

Experts? Paul Burrell (left) will offer his opinions on the Royal Wedding to American viewers, as will Jennie Bond, who worked closely with the Royal Family for 14 years, but has not been in the know for a long timeUntil recently, Paul Burrell was flogging quasi-royal china and home furnishings on his U.S. website, having decamped from the UK and divorced his long-suffering wife to live a more flamboyant lifestyle in Florida.
Hell be on Fox TV, offering advice to women on how to attract Prince Harry. Jennie Bond stepped down eight years ago after 14 years as the BBCs Royal Correspondent, and has spent her time since on daytime telly and in the Australian jungle eating bugs and wearing bush attire.
All of which qualifies her to appear on the U.S. network APTV talking viewers through the intricacies of the wedding ceremony.

Amusing: David Starkey (left) could be entertaining to listen to, as he is camp and erudite, and former playboy model Ingrid Seward has edited Majesty Magazine since 1983Some of the other pundits are equally bizarre theres Ingrid Sewa! rd, who started life as a Playboy Bunny and was then a PR for a publisher before editing Majesty Magazine since 1983.
She can seem more royal than her subject matter, in spite of her exotic background.What all these three do brilliantly is appear faux-posh but on the day, theyll be upstaged by Channel 4s fabulously theatrical David Starkey. Hes camp, hes incredibly erudite, hes unbelievably outspoken and hes compulsive viewing.

Conversation is key but, like sex, you don't have to do it every day...

Can the ability to talk be more important than sex? When conversation fizzles out, does that mean your relationship is in the knackers yard?I was reading a self-help piece recently which claimed marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.(I wondered if Kate and William have thought about this. Theyve spent ages stuck in a tiny cottage in Anglesey in the rain, so they probably have.) This irritating little mantra started me thinking. Ask anyone who works in a restaurant and theyll say the worst night of the year is Valentines Day. The room will be full of couples and the older they are, the less theyll be talking to each other.

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They sit in silence, whereas people on their first date are easy to spot theyll be chatting away like mad, totally engrossed with each other. Is talk, a bit like sex, blighted by familiarity? The longer youre with someone, the less you bother with it? One wit has rudely referred to the silence of the seniors.What attracts us to each other is wit, chat, humour. Sex comes next. As you live with someone, you develop easy ways of cutting corners, little in-jokes, shorthand names for friends and enemies. In my book, it doesnt mean youre talking less, but that youre communicating better. My partner and I have been together for more than ten years (a record in JSP terms). If we go out for dinner, well inspect the other people around us we might just indicate with our heads or eyebrows what we think of our neighbours, or the dcor, or the irritating waiter who never leaves us alone. I like to think weve reached a pretty sophisticated level of communication one where everything doesnt have to be spelt out in detail. We can finish each others sentences because we know how each other thinks. If I am at a party and want to leave, I only have to give him a certain look and he knows its time to make some excuses and head home, before I say something a bit unfortunate. Lets be honest, Im not short of an opinion or three, and after a couple of glasses of wine they may pop out of my mouth in unedited fashion. Im not exactly the queen of tact, so my personal censor removes me before serious social damage is done.Weve just spent a week walking in the mountains of Umbria, and an hour could easily pass without either of us saying a word. Does this mean were a couple of sads, with nothing left in common? The reverse is true. Music, opera, books and TV programmes can be discussed for hours on end, should we choose to do so, even! though we have very differing tastes.
I will never spend an hour listening to a CD of British Bird Song, as he did recently, and neither can I be bothered to read Peter Mandelsons memoirs, or anything by Alastair Campbell. When were reminiscing about a holiday, a hotel, or a special dinner we cooked, its easy for me to fill in the missing details when his memory inevitably stalls and there are gaps.
That doesnt mean Im domineering or a chat-bully. If I start to talk about Italian spaghetti and stop mid-dish, he can always fill in the ingredients that escape me.Ive just spent Easter weekend with four friends Ive known since I was 20. Mealtimes are really noisy we all talk at the same time at the top of our voices, finishing each others sentences, interrupting like mad, poking each other in the elbows to get a word in edgeways. This is the way its always been with my best mates.
An outsider might think were a load of Victor Meldrew clones, but were perfectly at ease. Of course, we couldnt live together wed drive each other round the bend. Yes, conversation is important in any relationship, but, like sex, you dont have to do it every day. And if you sit on either side of the table eating lunch today without saying a word, good luck to you! And sod what outsiders think.

Dave's D.I.Y. cabinet

Be yourself David! The Prime Minister is wrong to pretend to be normal When David Cameron flew with Ryanair for a mini-break, people scoffed and he was accused of pretending to be common. I disagree I wonder who in the Cameron household actually booked the tickets?
Unless you are a genius, negotiating Ryanairs website can mean you end up spending more than you would with British Airways, by the time youve paid for all the extras.
But Dave is obviously worried about appearing grand in an interview on Saturday, he proudly showed the journalist an IKEA cupboard he claimed to have assembled ! himself.
This misguided attempt to pretend hes normal does annoy me. I doubt he left a Cabinet meeting to negotiate the mind-numbing intricacies of an IKEA store.
The truth is, he probably thought hed calm Sam down after her visit by offering to put the ruddy thing together. Big mistake you could negotiate peace in Libya in the time that usually takes.
Ive never assembled a piece of IKEA furniture. I always pay someone else much cleverer than me to do that.
Dave, please stop obsessing about your image and get on with the job.