BEL MOONEY: How can I cope with a man who's so insecure and needy?

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Should I stay to build up his confidence because ending it will break him?

DEAR BEL

My husband had an affair and left us three years ago.

My son, 21, and daughter, 18, both live at home.

Two years ago, I started dating a nice, caring, loving man.

Cheated on by his wife, hed moved out leaving her the house to live with his brother and family, whom Ive never met.

It left him very insecure, jealous and controlling. He wants to see me every night, tells me he loves me ten times a day, doesnt like me going out with my friends, checks what I wear, texts constantly.

At first I complied for an easy life, thought his confidence would improve, but things got worse when he was made redundant a year ago. He doesnt eat properly, loses his temper quickly, doesnt have much money and would like to move in with me.

But his insecurity, quick temper and (to be honest) small annoying habits just put me off. Were both in our early 50s.

Also I only earn enough to pay the bills and food so there would be extra strain on me. Due to lack of funds, we stay in most nights. Recently I tried to arrange a night out with friends, but he made me feel I was being unfair leaving him alone. We had an argument a few months ago and I tried to end it but he cried bitterly and told me he would kill himself.

He promised to change his behaviour and tried counselling but that didnt work. He craves attention, affection and sex (which has waned on my part) and seems to be at the doctors every month with something wrong.

He spends his time watching TV although to be fair, he is desperately trying to find work.

I dont think Id ever find anyone who loves me as intensely as he does but it is often too intense. The children like him, but my parents took a dislike from the start.

Am I wasting both our lives staying with him? Should I stay to build up his confidence because ending it will break him? He asks me constantly if we will be together for ever and I admit I am scared, because I will miss him and find it difficult to start all over again.

SUE

Before I start my reply I want you to read the second letter on this page, which arrived 13 days after yours.

If it is indeed from your chap, then this is a good moment to sit down and talk because its clear he knows something is very wrong and is desperate to do something about it.

He has his own demons to wrestle with, and so have you. You may or may not wish to help him with his struggle, but must realise that you have to work though some issues of your own, before you can decide how much you want to help him with his.

You added to your email a list of things that annoy you, which you didnt want me to print in case he recognised himself. I confess that all his small annoying habits would drive me mad too.

Reading between the lines, I deduce that both of you feel hes your social inferior. Oh, youd never put it that way, but is it the truth?

You dislike both his manners and his speech mannerisms. He doesnt feel that hes good enough for you and maybe thats because, deep down, you agree. Perhaps thats why hes never introduced you to a single family member, which (after two years) is astonishing. I find myself wondering if youve introduced him to your friends ...

Before you can decide whether to hang in there with him, you must be honest with yourself.

When you met this man, were you a little bit desperate for a relationship?

Pleased to be loved ! (at your age and after the way your husband treated you), did you put up with certain behaviours you should have stopped from the outset?

I simply cant believe you thought that his controlling jealousy would improve. You didnt want rows and so you gave in and he became even more set in his ways.

Its not surprising you dont fancy him much any more, because a man whos always crying over the relationship and whinging over his health isnt very attractive. Hes always seen himself as one of lifes victims and has now turned himself into the victim within your relationship.

It would be a disaster for him to move in with you before hes continued with his therapy for a long time and shown evidence of change.

You cant carry on with the relationship simply because you dread being alone again and feel guiltily afraid that he will kill himself. To be brutal, thats his prerogative. But while he may have that right, he has no right to kill your spirit with this oppressive, possessive, needy love.

I certainly dont think that some positive action would be wasting both your lives. You need honestly to address some of the issues I raise above. If you dont like certain things he does, you must gently point them out and explain why. In turn, you can reassure him of all his good points and explain why you love them.

You can encourage him to continue with therapy, telling him its time to say goodbye to Mr Victim. Invite some friends round for supper at home, and ask to be introduced to his family.

All this is possible ... but only if you can imagine a shared future. If not, well, you will be damaging him further by continuing in bad faith.

My jealousy wrecks my love life

DEAR BEL

Im a 50-year-old, jealous and insecure man. There, Ive said it. I have a lovely partner of two years warm, kind, funny and honest but Im killing the relationship. I want to be with her all the time, Im jealous of her friends, and if she asks to go out wit! h them I kick up such a fuss that she doesnt go. I dont like her wearing anything too revealing and I get suspicious if she gets a text message.

Sadly, Im even a little bit envious of her fantastic relationship with her three children, all teenagers from her long marriage (he left her three years ago). But most of all, if I see anyone looking at her when were out, I get really angry with them, which scares her, then I become ashamed and beg forgiveness.

I know she is getting fed up, but is too frightened to end our relationship. Im not sure what she sees in me, I lost two houses in my failed marriages, but I feel suicidal at the thought of being without her.

Ive not had a brilliant life, five brothers and sisters, mother laid-back and father free with his fists, mediocre jobs. Ive finally met someone who makes me feel a better person, but Im letting my past colour this relationship.

Im on anti-depressants and Ive seen a counsellor five times. She listens, praises the good Ive done that week, but doesnt tell me how to handle myself better. Therefore, I feel its a waste of time. What should I do?

BARRY

Couples need to be persistent with counselling and work through problems together

As I say, this is either a strange co-incidence or else my postbag has produced a real couple in serious trouble. You must have read Sues letter and realised just how much damage you have done. You know your behaviour is destructive and yet you seem incapable of changing.

After only five sessions of counselling, youve decided it doesnt work.

Thats absurd. I should point out that therapists are not actually supposed to tell people what to do.

The trouble is, sometimes listening and praising isnt enoug! h when p eople like you are crying out for prescriptive guidance. But stay with therapy. You need to resolve your feelings of being betrayed by your mother, then by two wives and confront your feelings of inadequacy. It wont happen overnight.

In the meantime, remind yourself that you have no right to instruct your lady friend who to see or what to wear. Nor to turn yourself into a jailor and emotional blackmailer.

You tell me: Ive finally met someone who makes me feel a better person but I tell you this: it is not your ladys responsibility to make you anything at all. You are the one charged with that vital task. Take it seriously and stop making excuses.

HOW TO CONTACT BEL

Bel answers readers questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.


Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.


A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Close your eyes and imagine you are sitting in a prison cell. Its so cold and miserable youve forgotten how long youve been there.

Suddenly, you look up and notice that the door is ajar! The thought of walking out terrifies you, because youve learned to like your ball and chain: the one made up of all the bad things that have happened to you, which is a terrific excuse for failing to allow any good things to take their place.

But the surprising news is your shackles arent locked either. You can release the baggage, stand up and walk out of your cell. If you make that choice.

Try some self help, some mental tricks. Put Lilia Sinclair into the YouTube search to see some really useful videos explaining an American technique called The Sedona Method. Done that? Now take a piece of paper and make a list of those things that are weighing you down.

Crumple it up and cl! utch it very, very tightly, so that it feels part of your hand and almost hurts.

But is it growing inside your hand? No. So open your palm so that the paper ball is resting on it and roll it around a little, relishing the movement and your control. Then ask yourself the three Sedona questions: Would you let it go? Could you let it go? When?

Your answers to the first two should be Yes because youve just shown yourself that the paper ball isnt attached. So you say: Now! make a fist, turn it over, and let the paper fall to the floor. This simple exercise can engender a feeling of peace. You can use it to change your behaviour so that each time you have an issue (eg your lady going out) you write it down and then follow the process above.

Will this help you mend the relationship? I dont know, but (alongside the continuing therapy) it will enable you take some control, and that way, slowly learn to value who you are.

...and finally

Phones are a blasted nuisance

Confession time Im envious that my colleague Liz Jones can let off steam in Jones Moans (Femail Magazine). This page plays Ms Nice Gal, but sometimes I want to shout and spill frustration and rage all over the place.

What could I call my column of complaints? Bels Bleats? No too sheep-like. Bels Beefs? No sounds like a burger joint. How about Bels Blasts? Yes, thats better.

So many things make all of us mad, dont they? Dont start me on the EU. Or the very phrase, health n safety. Or abuses of human rights. Or defenders of porn as free speech.

Blackberrys: Newer isn't always better

But although bigger issues might annoy, the things which drive you to homicidal fury are the small frustrations which (I honestly belie! ve) add to the sense of powerlessness so many people feel, often leading to a sensation of deep gloom. Not to mention rising blood pressure.

Thats why Im wishing BlackBerry phones and the great Vodafone empire consigned to hell. I blame myself for suddenly deciding my little old Nokia clamshell phone was out-dated and I needed to be able to access emails on the train. Why? Havent a clue now.

Two long, long frustrating visits to Carphone Warehouse, endless waiting while they got Vodafone on the line to establish if I can have an upgrade... and, at last, I walk out with this BlackBerry thing. Which is too complicated for me. I try and try but hate it.

So I take it back one day after the allowed return period. The nice girl in Carphone Warehouse cant get it to access emails either. But can I change back to my old (cheaper) contract, to use my old phone? No way.

When I try to look at my account online, it doesnt recognise my phone number. I try to call Vodafone customer services and a young man (in a call centre across the globe?) speaks poor English in a patronising tone.

So now Im back using my simple old phone, but paying through the nose to do so.

They get you every way, dont they? I swear that such small stresses shorten lives.