Jeremy Clarkson: My dear, if you marry him you're asking for trouble

Add to My Stories Share

Jeremy Clarkson is not having a good week. As he might put it himself, hes got a bit of a scandal roaring up his trumpet. Oof. No wonder the old fool has taken refuge on a nuclear sub somewhere, 20 fathoms beneath the wave of embarrassment about to break on his life.

Not to mention drench the maddening crowds of his wives past, present and not best pleased.

To recap: on Wednesday, the tufty-haired Top Gear presenter outed himself. He finally dropped the injunction he had taken out in September 2010 to prevent his former wife claiming they had an affair after their divorce.

Gagged: Clarkson tried to stop his wife Frances Cain from hearing claims from ex-wife Alexandra Hall they had an affair after they divorced. He vehemently denies it.

Gagged: Clarkson tried to stop his wife Frances Cain hearing claims from ex-wife Alexandra Hall they had an affair after they divorced. He vehemently denies it

It was the worst-kept secret in showbiz. The presenters first wife, Alexandra Hall, alleged he carried on sleeping with her after hed married his current wife, Francie, in 1993. But Hall was gagged after Clarkson, who denies the claims, was granted the injunction in the High Court.

Now entrepreneur Alexandra has emerged from the shadows and wasted no time in putting a price on the story she was once forbidden to tell.

It is not about the money, she says, but who really believes her? It is always about the money, honey. Everyone knows that. No one is being fooled.

Alex Hall: It is always about the money, honey. Everyone knows that. No one is being fooled

To this end, Hall has hired publicist Max Clifford and is desperately seeking a publisher for the would-be book that started the entire problem.

In the meantime, shes done her best to paint Clarkson in the worst light possible. Why has she done this? After dating for several years, the couple married in 1989. A year later, Hall reportedly broke his heart by leaving him for one of his friends.

Hall complains that Clarkson was a self-opinionated slob tell us something we dont know but she was the one who married him!
And then, according to her own account, she went back for second helpings when they allegedly had their affair. He couldnt have been all bad, Alexandra.

The very idea of a journalist and professional opinion-spouter such as Clarkson taking out an injunction to silence anyone is appalling, but Halls position is, indeed, a strange one.

Smiling: Alex outside Max Clifford's office yesterday. This all goes to show what an utter waste of time and money these injunctions are

She SEEMS determined to portray herself as some kind of Jeremy victim, perhaps forgetting no one would be at all interested in her story if she had not been married to him in the first place.

In any love triangle, my advice is to trust least the person who tries to gain the most sympathy. While complaining Jeremy has airbrushed her out of his life, all Miss Hall seems to be doing is crying that she is the person who has been wronged, while savouring the opportunity to claim her pound of Jeremy flesh.! And her e it comes, stuffed, trussed and ready for the oven with a big apple in his loud mouth.

All I want is the truth to come out about my life, Hall has said.

Well, the bald truth is that you were allegedly sleeping with another womans husband, darling. And that you continue to torture her with your actions and slow-burn vengeance on a man you once loved and now claim to loathe. What a sorry mess.

More from Jan Moir...

It all goes to show what an utter waste of time and money these injunctions are.

Clarkson has said his was pointless and ridiculously expensive. The truth is that you cannot keep a secret or silence another human being in this day and age and that can only be a good thing.

The internet not only allows these secrets to spread, it speeds them on their way, like throwing an accelerant onto a fireball.

Of course, injunctions are almost uniquely used by rich, married men to stop the truth leaking out about their extra-marital affairs.

They are, as they moan themselves, hugely expensive, perhaps not realising that it would be so much better and cheaper if they did the right thing in the first place.

Boys: if you need to protect your reputation, behave. Its that simple. Earlier this year, BBC journalist Andrew Marr dropped an injunction he had taken out over reports of an extra-marital affair.

Ryan Giggs also famously took out a very expensive injunction to silence the allegations of his lover, Imogen Thomas. In addition to this, he also had time to fit in an affair with the wife of his brother. Two weeks ago, he and his sister-in-law had a screaming row in a Manchester street that could be heard all over town. What a waste of money his injunction! was.

And can there be anyone left who does not know the identity of the actor who seems to be the last man standing with an injunction still in place? Answers on a postcard please, addressed to the High Court.

When Jeremy surfaces, he has some home truths to face. Which is that neither he nor his first wife emerge with honours from this imbroglio of lust and silliness.

In fact, all things considered, its hard to know who to like the least. But thats showbiz!

Dog collars at dawn!

Could the protest at St Pauls Cathedral become any more farcical?

First, the Occupy London protesters arent allowed near the Stock Exchange. Instead, they camp on the steps of St Pauls, welcomed there by the Cathedral's Chancellor who told the nasty police to go away and leave them alone.

Before you know it, St Pauls is closed to the public and losing 20,000 a day: thats a lot of money!

Farce: The protesters outside St Paul's were so devoted to their cause that they went home at night

Then we discover that the Camp Crusty protesters are so devoted to the cause that they go home to their mummies at night. Thats radicalism for you!

Now the Cathedral's Chancellor has resigned, and the idiotic Bishop of London has issued a statement tell-ing the protesters to go home because hes in charge now.

The St Pauls Institute has itself focused on the issue of executive pay, and I am involved in on-going discussions with City leaders about improving shareholder influence on excessive remuneration, he hath thundered from the pulpit.

Oooh, the City must be shaking in its hand-tooled Lobb shoes!

In the meantime, I have yet to be convinced that the protest was genuine or even popular ! but at least the meddling clerics made it fun.

Spoiled: Tamara Ecclestone has a wardrobe of clothes large enough to fill department stores - but what does it say about her life

How much is too much? Impossible to say, but if a line has to be drawn, surely is should be sliced through Tamara Ecclestones extravagant wardrobe, which was featured in Closer magazine this week.

The spoiled daughter of billionaire Bernie Ecclestone posed in her cupboard of delights, boasting 100 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes, not to mention 15 pairs of Ugg boots, 20 pairs of trainers, Jimmy Choos, racks and racks of designer clothes, bandage dresses in every colour, piles of unworn clothes, jewellery, swag, Birkin bags and three- figure price tags swinging off clothes shed forgotten she had bought.

It was all too much. Too. Much. The 27-year-old likes to describe herself as a model and TV presenter, though that is certainly news to most of us. Her true talent seems to lie in tunnelling like a determined vole though daddys 2.5 billion fortune.

Look at the blameless pink marshmallow of her young face; untroubled since birth by worry or a single deep thought.

She has glided through life unaware of anything except accessorising and accumulating enough clothes to stock a department store.

Its not about the money. Rich people spend money on many things, and why shouldnt they? Yet there is something quite ugly about Tamara and her dazzling wardrobe. Something rather repellent.

Yes, it is a full cupboard but what an empty life.

Your nightmare before Christmas

Santa baby, dont hurry down the chimney tonight. In fact, what are you thinking about?

Just look at the ghastly toys on the li! st of be st-sellers for Christmas 2011.

There is Doggie Doo, a dachshund that poops plasticine; a monstrous dolly called Lagoona Blue who must be put into a Hydration Station to moisturise each night; and a creepy rabbit called Milky the Bunny, who plays dead when you clap your hands.

Thats meant to be fun? It is all the stuff of nightmares.

Best-seller? Doggie Doo is expected to be one of the biggest toys this Christmas

Whats wrong with the presents we got as children, eh? Whats wrong with a hoop and a stick, an apple, an orange and a sixpence in your stocking, a set of second-hand tiddlywinks between six of you and a clip around the ear for not eating your Brussels sprouts? Kids today! They do know theyre born, and that is half the trouble.

For example, psychiatrists say that Doggie Doo reflects a stage that children go through when they are obsessed with bodily functions. So? It doesnt mean that we have to encourage them, surely.

Meanwhile, Milky Bunny chews his carrot, trembles, snores and has a friend called Toffee The Pony. Lets not go there.

My favourite of all these wretched toys is Lagoona Blue, a creature who has pale blue skin, gills behind her ears and comes complete with her own eye mask and water bottle to re-enter her Hydration Station at night.

Well, one good thing has come out of all this festive horror.

Thats Liz Joness Christmas pressie sorted.

Incredible: The BBC has excelled itself with its latest natural history series, called Frozen ! Planet

Frozen Planet's warmed my heart

The BBC has excelled itself with its incredible new natural history series, Frozen Planet.

Not just because the polar extremes have all the best animals penguins, sea lions, ice fish whose bodies are full of anti-freeze and pods of killer whales.

In this wonderland of ice and exploding glaciers is also pitched David Attenboroughs perfect script, as crisp as permafrost.

I particularly liked the shy but determined mating habits of the polar bear; a lone animal scouring hundreds of miles of heartless wilds, placing foot after foot into the snowy pawprints of the object of his affection, stalking them for days. Weve all been there.

And when polar bear boy finally met polar bear girl, it wasnt exactly romantic. More of a case of: Get your fur coat, love, youve pulled.

Lots more of this snowy brilliance, please.

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke is pushing forward with his sentencing reforms. I am with him all the way on his plans to implement mandatory jail sentences on juveniles who threaten someone with a knife. But will a minimum of four months detention be enough of a deterrent?

Clarke also wants to introduce a two strikes and youre out life sentence for dangerous and violent criminals. This would be for those who had committed a serious, violent or sexual crime for a second time.

Fair enough but surely there still has to be a premium on murder?

Miriam Clegg has ignored conflict of interest calls to take a job with a U.S. law firm

Miriam for PM

Nick Cleggs wife has taken a job as an international companys EU trade chief.

Miriam Gonzalez Durantez risks accusations of a conflict of interest by working with U.S. law firm Dechert as ! head of their EU trade and EU government affairs practice. Does she care? Not a bit.

Ha! It will take more than some grumbling from a low-grade Eurosceptic to divert Miriam from her chosen path.

Shes always made it clear that her sons and her career are more important than being a political wife. Now get out of her way.

She is a highly regarded lawyer, a mother who runs a family home, a woman who is strong, stylish, smart and totally on top of her game. Pause to consider her impressive achievements, and sigh once more that it was the wrong member of the Clegg household who went into politics.

Halloween is almost upon us, and with it come 25 Sumo pumpkins from Waitrose. Have you seen the size of those monsters? The last time I saw anything so large and orange, it was starring in The Only Way Is Essex, dancing around a handbag.

Search This Website

China :: Lifestyle