Too sexy, too laid back, too independent... Why some women just ARENT wife material
Sweet...just not marriage material: Pippa Middleton recently became single
Weve all heard or perhaps experienced a version of this story: man meets woman, they fall in love, date for a while, move in together. They frame photos, arrange them on the walls, pick out furniture, make a nest.
A few years on, marriage is on her mind. But she puts no pressure on him hell ask when hes ready, right? He doesnt. She doesnt push it. The relationship stagnates. Man leaves woman. Man swiftly marries subsequent girlfriend, leaving ex mystified and heartbroken.
This is what happened to Laura Hall, a 34-year-old financial adviser from London. Laura had been living with Douglas for four years when he walked out. I just let the relationship drift on, hoping hed pop the question in his own time. But he never did. I was devastated when he left.
And she was even more devastated when she heard hed proposed to his next girlfriend within a matter of months.But why her and not Laura? Does it mean there are some women who are acceptable as a girlfriend, but not really quite the ticket when it comes to getting hitched?
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Arecent celebrity example tha! t comes to mind is Pippa Middleton. With her long, luscious hair and legs to die for, Pippa is one of the most eligible women on the planet. The sister-in-law to the future King of England possesses an undeniable sex appeal, not to mention perhaps the most lusted-after derriere in the world.
Yet,according to reports, Pippas 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon recently ended because his family considered her not quite wife material a phrase guaranteed to make female hackles rise. In this supposedly egalitarian age, is there really such a thing as wife material?
Well, yes, according to John Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others. Molloy claims there are definite types of women that men marry and, equally definitely, women they do not.
Molloy interviewed more than 3,500 people in his quest to discover exactly why men pop the question to someof us and not others. When he asked men who were about to be married todescribe their fiancees, only 20 per cent said gorgeous or sexy. The others focused on their future wives personalities.
Oneman summed up his future bride as the kind of woman you can take anywhere and be proud of a sentiment echoed by many other men in the course of Molloys research. More than 30 per cent of the men Molloy interviewed who were about to get married said their familys positive opinion of their future bride had helped them decide she was the one and most parents arent looking for an incredibly sexy or very attention-seeking spouse for their son.
According to reports, Pippa Middleton's 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon ended because his family considered her not quite 'wife material'
'Lukewarm': Loudon's parents James and Jane Lo! udon did n't see Pippa as wife material for their son
Theres another good reason why men eschew sexiness in favour of other qualities when they look for a wife. Men dont look for very sexy wives, because at a very basic animal level they want to be sure the children they are raising are their own, explains psychologist Dr Jane McCartney, an expert in human behaviour and relationships. Men are attracted to qualities such as loyalty, discretion and kindness when they look for a wife. Feisty and flirty is fine for a girlfriend. Its just not what men want in life partners.
Just look at feisty, flirty, gorgeous Cameron Diaz. Men fall for her in their droves, yet she always ends up single again. If we believe Molloys thesis, Camerons just too sexy on some deep, evolutionary level, the men she dates dont believe shell stick around.
Marriages are at their lowest rate in more than 100 years, according to the Office for National Statistics
But while men apparently dont want sexywives, they do want women who take care of themselves. Molloy found women who are slim and well-groomed with nice hair and nails are prized,although those who wear revealing, attention-grabbing clothes are not.
It all sounds a bit schizophrenic: men want to marry women who are sexy and fit, but not too sexy and fit. Another reason women find themselves without a ring on their finger, Molloy says, is that many simply do not push hard enough for it. He found 73 per cent of the wives-to-be he spoke to had forced the issue themselves rather than waiting for a romantic proposal.
This rings true for Laura Hall. I should have been clear about how much marriage meant to me, she says now. I was living with him, doing all the things a wife does, but without a ring on my finger. He could just walk out and in the end thats exactly what he did.
Whileshe concedes things had become stale between them, she says it happenedprecisely because the relationship had lost it! s moment um the explicitacknowledgement of commitment that typically leads to engagement, then marriage, then children.
Former flame: Cameron Diaz with Justin Timberlake, who she dated for three years
Molloy says, that many women simply do not push hard enough for marriage
Expertssay this is common when couples live together. According to Dr Joel Block, psychologist and author of the book The Real Reasons Men Commit, women need to be wary of serial co-habiters. If a man has had more than one live-in relationship, he is less likely to marry than a man who hasnt or who is in his first co-habiting relationship.
If you are with a man who has lived withsomeone before and you want to get married, you need to say so and stick to your guns early on in the relationship. Make your wishes known.It worked for Gemma Jones, 30, a childminder from Kent. I lived with Mark for a year and then I told himI wanted to get married. He was a bit fazed at first and came out with lines like its only a bit of paper but I explained that marriage was important to me and to my family, who are Roman Catholics.
Mark agreed to set a date when he understood that I really wanted to get married and that I wouldnt be happy if the relationship just carried on, she explains.
Research also demonstrates that men prize women who dont cook and clean for them as a matter of course. As one man in the survey ungallantly put it: No one marries a servant. It seems that men are attracted to women who are aware of their own self-worth. But nowadays isnt co-habiting merely a sensible step to take before vowing to spend the rest of your life together?
Psychologists agree that moving i! n togeth er is fine as long as both people are clear about where they think it will lead. Simply put, most men place marriage on a higher level of commitment than just living together, explains Block. While women might think that living together is a step towards marriage, many men view it as a way of buying time or worse, a good option until they find their real soulmate.
Different lives: After this picture was beamed across the globe Pippa's life changed and friends have said Alex couldn't cope with the star she had become
Frances says Pippa may well be rueing the day she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor
John Molloy is equally blunt. The statistics say most men propose after 22 months. For the next three-and-a-half years, the prospects of marriage gradually diminish. After seven years, the likelihood youll get married is virtually nil, he says. If you want to get married, statistically speaking, you should start to look seriously for a husband at 28.
Molloy also advises a little lowering of standards. Some women never get married, he says, because they are simply too fussy. Of the women he interviewed who were about to get married, 20 per cent admitted disliking their future husbands when they first met them. Of course, you should have standards, but it sometimes pays to give men a second or even third chance, Molloy advises.
Web designer Nicki Carter from Reading, who at 41 has never been married, worries that now she never will. She ruefully admits: I was probably too picky. I finished with one boyfriend because I thought he wasnt focused enough on his career. And I finished with another one because I decided he was too possessive.
In fact, he was madly in love with m! e, hands ome, funny, well-educated and kind. He wanted to marry me but I wasnt interested. I always thought I could do better and now I wonder if I was wrong.
Joel Block argues that there is no such thing as perfect. I think that women who are growing older as they search for Mr Right should reconsider. Would finding Mr Almost Right be better than a single life? he asks. For some it wouldnt. Some women just dont want to get married. They arent the marrying type, Molloy says.
Whether Pippa is or isnt remains to be seen. Certainly, she will have no shortage of eligible suitors queuing up to replace Alex Loudon and, at 28, shes hardly left on the shelf. However, she may well be rueing the day that, dressed in that plunging, cleavage-enhancing scarlet dress, she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor on the dance floor at the Boodles ball.
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