Does a perfect wife always dress to please her husband?

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Just how far should a woman go to please her husband? In Mondays Mail, a series of women confessed to Perfect Wife Syndrome that is, making a deliberate effort to cook fabulously, dress to kill and offer sex on demand, no matter how tired or stressed they might be themselves.

Even Tory MP Louise Mensch fearsomely accomplished and successful has got in on the act, crisply informing us that not only does she dress up for her husband but that to do so is nothing less than an act of love.

We can argue all we like that its our personality that really matters but there are few men who, given the choice between a partner in greying undies, baggy jumper and comfortable jeans and one whos made the effort to look groomed and sexy, wouldnt opt for the latter.

Tory MP Louise Mensch with her husband Peter. They met while she worked at record company EMI

Is it really an act of love to indulge them? As in all things to do with relationships, its a question of balance.

Mensch qualifies her dressing-up comments with the phrase not in a Barbie doll way a shrewd remark, as any man who urges you to wear short skirts and low-cut tops wants a trophy, not a partner. And the trouble with trophies is that the moment they lose their lustre theyre usually left to gather dust.

I am part of the first generation to have been reared on a diet of equality. Today we expect demand the same opportunities as men. So surely, you might think, we shouldnt have to worry any more about how we dress?

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But what we wear, and why, is fraught with complexity. We should dress to please ourselves, of course but what most of us perhaps dont like to admit is that we dont please ourselves if no one else thinks we look good.

That doesnt mean we should all be striving to dress in the height of fashion, whatever Vivienne Westwood may say. The designer sniffily dismissed the Duchess of Cambridge recently as a very ordinary dresser who was definitely not a fashion icon, as a true fashion icon doesnt follow trends, she sets them.

Well, why on earth would Kate want to be a fashion icon? The truth is that most women dont want to stand out like a Belisha beacon, but to blend in. The rule for this is really very simple: dress appropriately for the situation.

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On the school run, an outfit should be practical and comfortable, and its chief function is not to embarrass your child.

In the office, it should be stylish but not sensational. And on an evening out with your husband, it should be sexy not sexual.

These are basic choices that most of us make every day, and have nothing to do with feminism. If you look good and are dressed appropriately, youll automatically feel more confident.

Thats not betraying the sisterhood; its merely common sense.

So have the Perfect Wives got it right when they say we should also whip up feasts for our men every night and provide sex on demand?

That, Im afraid, is when my moderate-feminist hackles rise. For what keeps a marriage together is not subservience but love and respect and who can respect someone who ignores our own needs?

If you choose to pander to your husbands every whim,! it will all end in tears. Being thoughtful is one thing. Subjugating your needs and personality to his is quite another, and the truly Perfect Wife needs to be much cleverer than that.

Yes, she should seduce him on occasion, just as she should dress up from time to time or produce an exquisite meal. But she should also demand that he make just as much effort to keep her impressed, entertained and amused.

Because the true enemy of marriage is complacency. And theres nothing perfect about that.

Giles Fraser, whose report into the values of City workers has just been published, was forced to resign from St Pauls because he thought the protesters should be allowed to stay a position that the Church has belatedly agreed with. If the Church has any values of its own it should reinstate him.

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This week, weve learned of a woman who became pregnant even though she was anorexic. She now weighs less than her seven-year-old daughter, wears the same size clothes, and protests: Id love to eat but I cant.

Weve also read of the regrets of a 61-year-old who had a child by IVF at the age of 57 and now admits that her critics were right. The cut-off limit for having children should be 50, she says now but until you have them, its almost impossible to appreciate that.

I suppose there must be more selfish mothers around but surely not many.

My growing guy
!

Theres something about fireworks and their spectacular but momentary beauty that always makes me emotional. On Saturday evening, at our local display with our youngest child, I found myself remembering all those Bonfire Nights past: the one where, as a toddler, hed screamed in terror; the one where Id had to carry him for what seemed like hours because he was too tired; the one where hed wanted only to go on the slide and wasnt really interested in the fireworks at all.

This year, though, was different. He too was caught up in the wonder of the night which means he is growing up. This is the natural order of things, of course. Still, I found myself feverishly blinking through the entire display with eyes full of tears...

Sarah Burton, who designed the Duchess of Cambridges wedding dress, says she didnt even tell her own parents thus proving that even in todays 24-hour digital age, all youve really got to do to keep a secret is not talk about it.

Mrs Huhne's firing line

Vicky Pryce has revealed that her ex-husband Chris Huhne told her he was leaving her for his aide during the half-time break of a World Cup match she was watching on TV. She has also announced her intention to become an MP, and flirted with the idea of becoming the first woman Chancellor. Revenge may well be a dish best served cold, but Vicky whos already caused no end of trouble for her ex is clearly still at boiling point. I imagine her ideal fantasy scenario ends with her becoming Party Leader and firing her extraordinarily ambitious ex-husband. At the rate shes going, I wouldnt bet against it.

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Angela Merkel cant forgive President Sarkozy after he commented on her weight to another EU leader over dinner, remarking that she says shes on a diet then helps herself to more cheese. Now Sarko has been overheard at the G20 summit telling President Obama that Israels Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, is a liar. If this is what hes like on the diplomatic circuit Id love to hear him in full flow over dinner in the privacy of his own home

The Abbey habits are so middle-class

In the concluding episode of Downton, the Earl of Grantham convinced himself to do the right thing and not sleep with the maid. As he did so, it occurred to me that one reason its become the most successful TV drama in a decade is that despite all its aristocratic trappings its actually middle class to its core.

Middle-class: A true aristocrat would have slept with anyone he liked

In Edwardian times, of course, a true aristocrat could have slept with anyone he fancied, so long as he did so discreetly. His wife would have turned a blind eye (and perhaps taken a lover or two herself).

So the Earls behaviour reflects not the upper-class values of his day, but the middle-class values of our own. The same is true of the way he and the Countess go out of their way to treat their staff well. In reality, life below stairs was unremittingly grim and exhausting and the unpalatable truth is that the upper classes cared not a hoot.

No, its todays middle classes who prostrate themselves before their staff and do all they can to keep them, frantically tidying up before the cleaner arrives and bankrupting themselves to give the nanny her own car.

And when the Dowager ! Duchess briskly told Lady Edith dont be defeatist, my dear its terribly middle class, we modern middle-class viewers felt a delicious frisson of superiority. Because of course were not remotely defeatist any more. On the contrary, thanks to the doyenne of middle-class values, Margaret Thatcher (herself a Grantham Lady) were resolutely aspirational, confidently believing that the only way is up.

By the end of series five, I predict that Lady Mary will have turned Downton into one of the countrys premier tourist attractions, Lady Sybil will be a Labour Home Secretary and Lady Edith will be a leading producer of organic vegetables. And it doesnt get more middle class than that...

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