The lonely life of a wicked stepmother: His children hate you - and he takes their side
When she married for the second time, Alison Shelton was already all too aware of the reputation of the proverbial wicked stepmother.
So when her 12-year-old stepson Matt rang her husband Bruce a few months after her wedding to say he wanted to move in with them, Alison vowed to defy the stereotype. It was total shock as I got two hours warning, but I wanted to make it work, says Alison, who has two children Charlotte, eight, and Chris, 17 from her first marriage.
Of course, I knew all about Cinderella and her wicked stepmother, but I still envisioned a happy, blended family where Matt and my children would get on like a house on fire and I was the warm, loving matriarch.
Piggy in the middle: Stepmums can find themselves playing referee in so many new and sensitive family relationships
But try as she might, the former bank manager from Little Milton, Oxfordshire, admits there were times when her inner wicked stepmother still surfaced.
Matt just wanted to be with his father, says Alison, 55. I was the woman who got in the way and my two just saw Matt and Bruce as rivals for my attention.
On holiday, which we had hoped would be a time to get them bonding, Matt made it clear he wanted to go fishing with his Dad, while I spent the days with my son and daughter on the beach. At one point, I remember thinking, "This isnt togetherness. This is segregation."
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It felt like Matt wanted to disrupt our lives. Id put a meal on the table that Id normally cook for my children and hed say, flatly: I dont like peas. Bruce would then suggest I cook Matt something else and when I said no, suddenly I became the bad guy.
Piggy in the middle is a lonely place to be. But its not possible to throw a switch and turn on those mum feelings. You cant magically love other peoples children.
Alisons trials are a familiar story for the growing number of women in Britain trying to create unified, happy households out of two fractured families.
More than 900,000 children in the UK now live in a stepfamily a staggering rise of 300,000 over the past 12 years, according to the latest Government figures. The unique difficulties facing such blended families are borne out by the fact that half of all stepfamilies break up a quarter in the first year.
'I was so afraid of messing up my new marriage that I put up with bad behaviour just to keep the peace'
Writer and stepmother Joanna Collie interviewed dozens of stepmothers for her new book From Mother To Stepmother.
In every case, she found that becoming a stepmother proved to be a much bigger battle than any of them could have foreseen.
At the outset, all of them walked into marriage vowing to behave like Carol Brady the archetypal perfect mum from TVs The Brady Bunch. Before long, however, Joanna says they felt overwhelmed by having to play referee in so many new and sensitive family relationships. Others described wanting to flee and the misery of being everyones emotional punch b! ag.
< p>Its an experience Joanna, 43, knows all too well after meeting her husband Paul more than a decade ago. At the time, her daughter Katie was 12 and Pauls daughter Rowena was ten.At first, the family enjoyed a getting-to-know-you honeymoon period of treats and visits to theme parks.
But by the time all four moved in together, six months later, the girls shed hoped would become firm friends had stopped talking altogether and avoided each other like the plague.
In a bid to keep the peace, the two sides of the family even went so far as to segregate kitchen appliances.
Putting our milk in their fridge was seen as trespassing, says Joanna. I felt as though I needed permission to use their newer microwave even though I was using it to feed them.
I think I spent much of the first six months in a state of mute shock I couldnt believe how serious they were, how committed they appeared to be to keeping our two families apart.
Despite the daily conflicts, Joanna continued to do her best to play happy families, but found her new stepdaughter far from willing to sign up. She recalls how, when she joked about challenging Rowena to a video game, she was rewarded with a withering glance and the words: Oh, I really dont think so, dear.
But its not the just the difficulty of creating a bond between stepmother and stepchild. Stepmothers are often made to feel as thought they are betraying everyone, including their own offspring.
Difficult bond: Children may resent their step parent (posed by model)
A single parent for 12 years before she started dating Paul, Joanna recalls: My daughter clearly resented me for turning our happy twosome into this blending, stepfamily hell, as she saw it. She decided she could no longer speak to me and reso! rted to communicating solely by means of Post-it notes left around the house. Its a tug of war and mothers are the rope.
It meant that for the first three years, Joanna had to play go-between between her daughter and new husband.
It came to a head when Paul texted her in the supermarket to ask her to speak to Katie about not dyeing her hair red in the bathroom even though he was in the house and just 15ft away from Katie at the time.
Katie relied on me to tell her what her stepfather was doing, thinking and feeling. I spent half my time feeling defensive of her with my hackles raised at Paul, and the other half berating myself for resenting what I perceived to be his lack of interest in my child.
Eventually, it was a question of time, coupled with bonding sessions and understanding, that solved most of the familys issues.
Joanna says: Blending never happens overnight. It takes ages. In my case, our girls were nearly teenagers when we started blending; they only actually started to get along (rather than merely tolerating each other) when they were young adults and just about ready to leave home.
'I'd get furious letters from my stepdaughter's mother saying I was not to tell her how to behave'
Yet many families never get that far, because the tensions between newlywed parents over their children is often enough to destroy fledgling marriages.
The constant vigilance of children, standing on the sidelines and willing relationships to fail, means the sex lives of couples in blended homes frequently suffer, according to Joannas research.
Among the dozens of wives she interviewed, she says that in the first two years, sex dwindled to an average of once every three months. All these many and varied pressures mean that the women she interviewed confessed it didnt take long for their Inner Wicked Stepmother to come to the fore.
Joanna says: Cinderella has a lot to answer for. Thousands of little girls have grown up harbouring a deeply rooted b! elief th at stepmothers are inherently wicked. As a result, we real-life stepmothers are already massively on the back foot, despite having strong intentions to buck the trend.
Yet all admitted to acting in unreasonable and immature ways at times. They spoke of turning into ogres, bitterly resenting their stepchildren, harbouring malicious thoughts and taking out their unhappiness on their partners.
But rather than try to push her away, Joanna says its important to listen to what your Inner Wicked Stepmother has to say.
I, for one, was so afraid of messing up my new relationship in its early days that I put a brave face on everything smiling my way through the most ridiculous and unfair situations just to keep everyone happy; everyone but myself, she admits.
In the end, I nearly imploded, adds Joanna, who learned to lock herself in the bathroom when it all got too much.
Fairytales have a lot to answer for: We grow up with images and stories of stepmums being wicked
Its as well to understand that the Inner Wicked Stepmother really isnt your enemy at all. She only swings into action when you feel threatened or overwhelmed by the demands youre making on yourself to hold your family together.
Many women internalise their feelings and are afraid to admit it to themselves. Get to know this stroppy woman in you start noticing when she pops up. When you begin to understand what shes saying, you can begin to understand what you need.
Yet stepmother Anne Green feels that some women need to face the fact that, no matter how hard they try, a blended family does not always work.
Anne,49, a company director from West London, says: I was 37 when I marriedmy husband and he had a five-year-old-daughter. I loved children, and Ithought I! had eno ugh experience of the world to make it turn out well.At first I tried almost too hard, taking Maddy on every outing, hopingto bond.
But as a stepmother, ultimately you cant win. Youre trying to parent a child who comes to you with a different way of behaving, and different values from your own children. When Maddy was nine, I had my first daughter andanother when she was 12. As they grew up, I absolutely insisted on a good standard of table manners for my own two. And when Maddy came to stay I asked her to fall into line.
Id get furious letters from her mother telling her I was not to tell her how to behave.
As Maddy got older, it didnt get any easier, says Anne. She told my own children when they were little that I must not love them because I left them with a nanny to go out to work.
WHO KNEW?
One in three of us is now part of a stepfamily
Now shes 18, she lives abroad with her mother and we dont see her.
Before other new wives enter the fray, Anne has this warning: I would strongly advise any woman going into a marriage where there are already children to think very carefully, because the odds are so heavily stacked against you.
Whatever you do, you are the wicked stepmother and everyone in the family from the grandparents downwards listens to the child, not you. The biggest mistake women make is expecting to be able to make it all right.
For Alison however, her years of patience paid off.
It came on the day that Matt, then 17, presented her with her first Mothers Day card. At the same time, he started to refer to her as Mum, rather than by her first name.
Alison says: My heart just melted. At that moment, I knew wed finally come through it all. When he went off to Afghanistan three years ago as a member of the Army Air Corps, my worry for him was every bit as profound as if he were my own son.
They say it takes about seven years for a family to blend properly and that was certainly true for us. Blend! ed famil ies dont fall into place magically. They have to be built.
HOW TO COPE WHEN IT ALL GETS TOO MUCH
KEEP A JOURNAL: Write down how you feel. Make a note of the times when your Inner Wicked Stepmother surfaces. Try to understand where those feelings are coming from so you can address the causes.
DROP EXPECTATIONS: Theres no such thing as the perfect blend. Dont compare your new family with the one you grew up in.
TALK TO YOUR PARTNER: Dont fall into the habit of bottling things up. Discuss your different styles of discipline and present a united front to the children and your exes.
DON'T EXPECT THE BRADY BUNCH: Self-doubt, depression and anxiety are all normal experiences for at least the first two years of setting up a blended home together, so dont panic. Focus on the good times together.
PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY: When it comes to ex-partners on the scene, conserve your strength. Its more effective to plough your efforts into your blended family than wasting negative energy on people outside it.
- From Mother To Stepmother, by Joanna Collie, is published by Piatkus, price 13.99.
- Some names have been changed on request
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